Ace of Spades
by hiei2828
Summary: What happens when two new student join up with an old friend at Hogwarts in the Marauders 6th year? Find out how diffrences might just bring people together. SiriusOC
1. Chapter One Of trains, lizards and

Well, this is my first Harry Potter story and I'm pretty excited! I would like feedback of any kind however; there is a huge difference between constructive criticism and a flame! Well that's all I have to say!

Disclaimer- I DO NOT own Harry Potter or anything else you may recognize, but the three OC's are mine.

**A/N- So I'm going through and editing this fic, and hopefully adding a new chapter soon. (11/7/10)**

**Chapter One- Of trains, lizards and shadow-ey figures**

A trail of chaos and angry British curses followed three teenagers as they sprinted through a crowded train station in London, England. There was a blond with an angry scowl decorating her pretty face- hazel eyes spelling out murder; a brown haired male with a look of amusement on his grinning face; and a girl with black hair looking just as amused as her male companion.

(Who are these three mysterious, havoc inducing teenagers you ask? Well, they're me and my friends of course!

Who is this 'me' character you're wondering? Well the name's Kristina Orian, but everyone refers to me as Ace.

The blond is called Deuce or Jessica McPherson, and the guy with the brown hair is Blaze McNeil, but call him that and he'll kill you. He prefers (well demands) that you call him Viper.

Currently we're running extremely late. You see our train leaves in exactly five minutes, and the Hogwarts express is not a train that you can miss. Well that's what Deuce says. While I've been off in lala land it looks like we've reached our destination… well sort of.)

"Hey Deuce, where's platform 9 4/3? All I see is platforms 9 and 10," Viper asked as he looked around confused.

"Idiot, it's platform 9 ¾ not 9 4/3, and it's right behind that barrier." Deuce snapped as she pointed at a brick wall right in front of us.

"Um Deuce…" Viper said in an over exaggerated whisper as he leaned towards to her "That's a brick wall…are you feeling okay?"

With an angry huff she muttered some very colorful words as she glared at Viper and quickly began running toward the wall.

"DEUCE… "Both Viper and I yelled as our friend ran head first into the … non -existent wall.

"What the heck she went right through the wall! Ace did you see that?" An astounded Viper exclaimed.

"Um, yeah. What the hell? Well I guess she wasn't lying about the whole barrier thing. Let's go we have…" looking down at my watch my eyes widened

"two minutes! Gah! Get your ass moving Viper!" I shouted as I began hurtling toward the wall/barrier thing.

I closed my eyes and braced myself for a painful impact as I approached the wall, but it never came. When I opened my eyes I saw a crowd of crying people waving and blubbering good-bye's, and a really fancy train.

"Dang," I muttered under my breath, which was quickly taken away as something smashed into my back.

"What the hell!" I yelled as I was crushed in-between two trolleys.

"Hehehehe sorry Ace I didn't mean to." Viper laughed nervously while scratching the back of his head.

"Well... that's great and everything, but you're CRUSHING me!" I stammered as I waved my hands above my head.

"oops" he muttered with another nervous laugh as he backed up his trolley.

"Guys, stop your messing around! The train is getting ready to leave! Get over here NOW!" Deuce frantically waved us over after loading her trunk onto the train.

"Right" Viper and I chorused as we scurried over to where Deuce was standing.

We quickly loaded our trunks onto the train and climbed on board just as the train's whistle blew signaling its take off. As we followed Deuce through the aisles on the train looking for an empty compartment, I felt something wiggling around in my pocket.

"Geico!" I exclaimed while reaching into one of my many pockets and pulling out a lizard.

"I can't believe I forgot about you, are you okay, I'm so sorry!" I pet the little lizard from its head to his tail.

(You see Geico is my pet gecko; he's so cute and tiny!)

While I had my little moment with Geico I hadn't even realized I had stopped walking.

"Yo, Ace…ACE!"

"Huh?" I questioned looking up as my name was called, I saw Viper with a grin on his face.

"We found a compartment!"

I quickly followed him into the compartment, and sat down across from a fuming Deuce. I placed Geico on my shoulder and turned to look at Viper. We shared a look then burst out laughing.

"Why are you laughing we almost missed the train! What would have we done then! HUH! Be left in England with no one to contact, and no way of getting to Hogwarts!" she began to ramble off as Viper and I quieted down our laughter.

"Calm down Deuce, we didn't miss the train so what's the big deal?" I asked while wiping tears from my eyes.

"In all the FIVE year I've been coming to Hogwarts I've never been late, yet the year you two show up I almost MISS THE TRAIN! It's your fault!" Deuce fumed.

(This is, in fact, Viper and I's first year at Hogwarts; we're coming as transfer students, whereas Deuce has been coming since first year. )

"You just had to stop at that bloody candy store didn't you?"

"Hey don't curse the candy store it did nothing wrong! Plus, why be mad we even got you a bag!" Viper said while pulling two HUGE bags of candy from his oversized pockets.

"When did you start saying 'bloody?' You've spent way too much time in this country! If you start saying Pip pip and Talley Ho, we shall ban you from coming here!"

I burst out laughing.

(Candy was our true weakness. We are not from England or Europe for that matter; we're from the U.S., the good ol' red white and blue, the home of the brave, yadda yadd yadda. How did we end up in England, attending a magic school none the less? Quite simple really...through Deuce, whose great grandfather happens to be a good friend of Albus Dumbledore. Viper and I started this school so late because we had other matters to attend to before this. Don't worry, all will be explained in time.)

Deuce sighed "It's so freakin' hard to stay mad at you guys! Gah,"

"That's the spirit Deuce!" I stated while munching on a bar of dark chocolate. "Plus you have to admit, all those angry British people were funny!"

She giggled "Yeah, I guess you're right."

Suddenly our door flew open and a figure loomed in the doorway.

(1) I saw this (a Gecko being named Geico) idea in a story I read on another fanfiction site and absolutely loved it I give complete credit to that author. Also I in no way own the name Geico!


	2. Chapter Two Of Feasts and

Disclaimer- I OWN NOTHING! (Well except my OC's)

**A/N- This chapter has been edited for grammar mistakes, and other such nonsense. Frankly, I'm a little embarrassed by how many mistakes I have found re-reading this fic. (11/7/10)**

**Chapter Two- Of Feasts and Unintended Attention**

Recap- Suddenly the door flew open and a figure loomed in the doorway.

Our heads snapped up to look at the figure, which happened to be that of a woman. Said woman was pushing a trolley of, what appeared to be, sweets.

"Anything off the trolley, dears?"

Glancing at Deuce, Viper and I sprang from our seats and began grabbing stuff off the trolley. After paying our dues we shuffled back into the compartment.

Deuce looked at us exasperated "More candy! You guys don't need any more, plus what about the feast!"

I shrugged and Viper just stared at her blankly. She sighed then pulled out a book.

A few hours and a couple dozen pieces of candy later, Deuce snapped the back cover of her book shut, and stood from her seat.

"We should probably change into our uniforms." Viper and I nodded and started our trek to the bathroom. (Or would it be the loo? Oh well.)

After dressing in the appropriate apparel we met Viper in the compartment.

"These uniforms are ridiculous! The pants only have two pockets! How messed up is that?" Viper exclaimed when we re-entered the compartment.

I threw him an exasperated look. "Your complaining at least you have two pockets I'm in a freakin' skirt for crying out loud!"

He looked at me and started laughing.

Through his chuckles he managed to get out "I never thought I'd live to see the day when the great Kristina Orian would be wearing a skirt!"

"Shut-up, I'm only wearing this thing to the beginning of the year feast. After that ,I'm stealing some of your pants. I honestly don't think I can handle a whole year of this! I mean I can feel a draft!"

"Sure, sure, I have more than enough. Deuce practically made me buy out the store. Really how many pairs of pants do you need?" Viper responded once his laughter faded.

Deuce huffed "I only made you buy 6 pairs! Ace, the skirt is part of the uniform for girls. You're going to get in trouble if you wear pants."

I looked at her and shrugged "eh, so what if I get in trouble? What are they going to do? Make me clean a bathroom? ooooo I'm so scared."

Deuce just rolled her eyes, and began to leave the compartment; apparently, while we were talking the train had stopped. Viper and I quickly gathered our stuff and followed her out, and into the herd of students.

We eventually arrived at a line of carriages that were being pulled by, what looked like skeleton horses.

"Yo Deuce, what exactly are those things?" I asked while Viper and I inspected one of the Skeletor horses.

"Yeah, it's not like any horse I've ever seen!"

"Oh, I forgot you would be able to see them. They're called thestrals, and not everyone can see them." Deuce responded while climbing into the carriage.

Viper and I looked at each other, he mumbled "it's probably a British thing."

I shrugged, and we boarded the carriage. The carriage ride ended pretty quickly, and we were at the castle in no time. Deuce walked into the castle, and like lost puppies Viper and I followed.

Deuce looked back at us "Crap! Um guys, you're supposed to go over there, and wait to be sorted. Sorry, I sort of forgot to tell you…"

"I'm hurt! I can't believe you forgot us! Once you're back at Hogwarts, you just throw us aside!" I sniffled while I turned and sobbed on Viper's shoulder.

"It's okay Ace, it's okay! We'll always have each other!" Vipers stated dramatically while he hugged me to his chest.

"You to stop being so dramatic, and go over there and wait to be sorted. I'll see you when you get sorted into Gryfindor." Deuce said while she shook her head at our antics.

"What makes you so sure we'll be in Gryfindor?" I asked while I wiped my eyes to clear the fake tears.

She shook her fist at us "Because if you don't…" she left the threat open as she turned and disappeared into, what I assume was, the great hall.

Viper and I chuckled as we walked over to a swarm of midgets.

I raised my eyebrow "That's a whole lot of little kids."

As I said this a stern looking women cleared her throat.

"Attention! Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My name is Professor McGonagall. In a moment you will be sorted into a house in which you will remain throughout the remainder of your stay at Hogwarts. Those of you who are entering the first year please follow me. Mr. McNeil, and Ms. Orian, please wait here until you are announced." With that said she turned and entered the great hall, a trail of first years on her tail, looking quite a bit like a trail of ducklings.

"She seems like a happy lady." Viper sarcastically remarked as he leaned against the wall.

"No joke, so are you ready for a year full of fun?" I quipped back, just as sarcastic.

(You see the truth is Viper and I really don't fit into the whole student mold. We would much rather be doing other things. This is the main reason we started school so late. We had other more important things to do involving our job. A job, I can see the proverbial eyebrows raises. Yes, contrary to popular belief, Viper and I are, in fact, responsible enough to hold a job. Although, what we do doesn't exactly require much responsibility.)

"Ace, looks like were being summoned!" Viper shouted as he pointed towards the opening doors.

I nodded. We shared a look, grinned then we both took off sprinting to the front of the Great Hall, earning us the stares of everyone in the room.

"Hah, I so beat your ass, ya slow poke." I taunted Viper as I smirked at my victory.

I stopped rubbing it in when I saw every pair of eyes in the room fixated on me and Viper arguing. I looked around for Deuce and saw her sitting with her hand on her shaking head, mumbling to herself.

(Oops look like running down the center isle of the Great Hall is frowned upon.)

"Well, now that you have arrived, we will commence with the sorting. Next time, refrain from running in the hall." The McGonagall women stated with a disapproving look on her face.

As soon as McGonagall was finished talking, the hall erupted in whispers, but was quiet when Viper spoke.

"Sorry about that 'mam. It won't happen again." Viper said with his "charming" grin plastered on his face.

I rolled my eyes, and McGonagall just glared at him.

"Take a seat, and place the Sorting Hat on your head, Mr. McNeil."

Quirking a brow Viper did as he was told.

After a few seconds the hat yelled out "Gryffindor!"

Viper removed the hat threw me a smirk, then pranced his way over to Deuce. A smirk worked its way onto my face as I took a seat on the stool.

'Interesting, very interesting, you are clever that is for sure, cunning, smart ah, but not book smart. Ravenclaw is most definitely out. Loyal, yes, and Brave. My, my, you and your friend are quite similar. It'll have to be…'

"GRYFINDOR" the hat yelled.

I placed the hat back on the stool and meandered my way over to my two friends.

"Looks like you were right Deuce; we both got sorted into Gryffindor!" I stated while I took a seat between the two.

She rolled her eyes at me. (What is with this girl and her eye rolling?) She rolled her eyes, then shook her head.

"I can't believe the two of you raced into the Great Hall! WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING!" she proceeded to scream at us for a while before food appeared on the table.

"And now look we missed Dumbledore's speech! You two are impossible!"

"I hate to brake it to you but you mfff…" Viper was cut off when I put my hand over his mouth.

I hissed in his ear "Just drop it. She looks really pissed."

He looked over at Deuce, who was fuming, shuddered and nodded. I dropped my hand then proceeded to pile my plate high with food.

(Oh how I love food.)

After we ate our fill Deuce stood up and we both followed her.

"So you're not mad at us are you?" I asked her with a pleading look.

She sighed out while shaking her head. "This is going to be one hell of a year"

A/N- thank you for reading! Ummm reviews would be greatly appreciated! I also want to thank the one person who reviewed dark sacrifice; this update is mainly because you reviewed. Sorry for it taking so long!


	3. Chapter Three: Enter Stage Left:

**A/N Edited (11/7/10)**

Disclaimer: I still own nothing

**Chapter Three: Enter Stage Left: Lily Evans.**

As we walked up to the common room, I was busy scouting out the area. (By 'scouting out,' I mean gawking at the moving pictures. As if some of these pictures weren't freaky enough without moving.)

"You're going to have to watch out. The stair cases move." Deuce said as we approached a staircase.

I quirked a brow. "Is there anything in this place that doesn't move?"

Deuce just chuckled, as we ascended the stairs. We eventually arrived in front of a portrait of a heavy set lady wearing an atrocious dress. Deuce explained that if we wanted to enter the common room we had to tell the Fat Lady the password.

"They call her the Fat Lady? How fitting." Viper chuckled into my ear.

"Hazzlefrazzle" Deuce said, and the portrait swung open.

"Hazzlefrazzle? What kind of password is that?" I asked Deuce with a raised eyebrow.

She just ignored my question, and continued walking into the common room. As we entered the cozy room, we couldn't help but notice all the commotion. In the center of the room stood a girl with red hair, who was shouting at a boy with glasses.

"Looks like those two are at it again." Deuce said while shaking her head.

"This is a common occurrence?" I asked, while Viper and I shared a look.

"Yep, the girl screaming is Lily Evans. She's what can be deemed a goody two shoes. The guy she's verbally thrashing is James Potter. He's her unofficial stalker, and member of the resident group of trouble makers, the Marauders." Deuce explained looking less then fazed by the deranged screaming.

"The Marauders? Who calls their group their Marauders? What do they do rape and pillage Hogwarts in pursuit of booty? "Viper said while we started Laughing.

Deuce looked at us then started laughing as well.

"I guess you're right. It is a pretty stupid name. I never really thought about it." We continued laughing, not aware that we had drawn the attention of the raging red-head, who immediately stopped her verbal tirade to run over to our little group.

"Jessica!" she stated as she approached.

Deuce managed to compose herself, and responded to the shout.

"Lily, it's been awhile, Potter already on your nerves?"

Lily nodded "Yes, I have a bad feeling about this year. He's already asked me out twice! Where were you on the train ride, and dinner? I didn't see you anywhere."

While the two continued their idle chatter, I took the opportunity to look around the room. There were a few tables and chairs scattered about with some comfy looking couches by a burning fireplace. The color scheme appeared to be crimson and gold. All in all it appeared very cozy.

As far as people go the room appeared almost abandoned. A few people were sitting around and chatting, including that Potter kid, who was accompanied by three other guys. There was one with light brown hair who looked like he was a little sick. The other two were like polar opposites. One had shaggy black hair, was on the tall side and appeared to actually have some muscle, whereas the other had short, thin, blond hair and was a bit on the vertically challenged and pudgy side.

'What a strange group'

"Oh, I almost forgot! Lily, these are my two friends, who just transferred here from America." Deuce's voice snapped me out of my ponderings.

"Yet again we are forgotten!" exclaimed Viper. Getting the queue I began fake crying again, while clinging to Viper's chest.

"You two cut the dramatics. I've had enough for one day." Deuce stated exasperated

"As I was saying, those two weirdoes are Kristina and Blaze." Deuce said while pointing at us.

Viper shook his head while looking at the red head and the Blond.

"You know better than that Deuce." he said with a glare

"And just so you know Lily, I go by Viper, not Blaze." Lily looked a tad bit startled at the look Viper was shooting Deuce.

"Um, okay" she stuttered out.

I laughed. "Excuse my friend. He hates it when people call him Blaze"

I threw my arm around Viper's shoulder "I go by Ace, just to let you know. I probably won't respond to Kristina"

"Oh, alright. Well as you know I'm Lily Evans" she said with a smile.

"Oh, look at the time I better be off to bed, classes' start tomorrow!"

"That's a pretty good idea Lily. We should probably get to bed too." Deuce exclaimed while looking at the clock.

"Okay Viper, this is where we're going to have to leave you." Deuce said when we made it to a set of stair cases.

"To the left is the boys dorms, and to the right the girls dorms. The girl's stair case has a charm on it to keep boys out, so I wouldn't attempt going up them. You are going to be in the dorm room marked 6th year."

Viper nodded and started to walk up the stairs.

"Night ladies, see you tomorrow!" he gave us his charming grin.

Lily and Deuce responded with their own goodnights, and began their trek up the steps.

"Oy, wait a second Vipe." I yelled. "Remember I need to borrow a pair of pants!"

With that said everyone stopped in their tracks and looked at me.

"What?" Lily looked shocked. "You need to borrow his pants?"

"Oops, I almost forgot. Well common, I don't have all night!" Viper continued hardly looking fazed

I looked at Lily "Yes I need to borrow a pair of pants, what's wrong with that?"

She just gave me a weird look, which I shrugged off "Oh, wait a second doesn't the stair case have a charm on it?"

She just shook her head "No, the boy's stair case doesn't have a charm on it."

"Why is that?" Viper asked confused.

Both Lily and Deuce smiled "Because, girls are more responsible than boys."

He just shrugged in response. "So are you coming up or not?"

"I'll meet you two up in our room!" I stated as I followed Viper up the stairs.

"I still can't believe you didn't notice the uniform earlier." Viper said with a grin.

I huffed. "That's because Deuce didn't let me see it until we had to change."

He just laughed at me as we found the door marked 6th years. I hit him on the arm as he opened the door.

As we strolled in the room, we were welcomed by the sight of four shirtless boys scattered about the room all looking at us wide eyed. I raised an eyebrow, as Viper and I walked over to his trunk, which was sitting on the foot of what we assumed to be his bed.

"What are you doing in here?" The one know as Potter yelled while pointing his finger at me and yanking a sheet up to cover his bare chest.

I glanced at him "I don't see why that's any of your business." I replied while returning my focus to Viper who was digging through his trunk.

"It's our business because you're in our room." replied the one with longish hair looking quite smug with his comeback.

"He has you there Ace." Viper said while looking at me with a grin.

I chuckled "Indeed he does, well I need to borrow a pair of pants, if you must know."

The four boys turned their full attention to us.

"Wow, first day of school and the new guy's already got some girl wanting to get into his pants. That beat my record." said the guy with the shaggy black hair, sounding slightly astonished.

"Oh please…" I replied. "The only girl who would want to get into your pants is blond over there." I said while thrusting my thumb at the short pudgy boy.

The black haired boy seemed to be taken a back with my remark, and only managed to stare at me with wide eyes, before turning his head away and sticking his nose up in the air.

The other boys in the room chuckled at the remark. Save for the blonde one, who only managed to look confused, then started laughing a few seconds later to pretend like he had understood the joke.

"And with that, I bid you adieu. Night Viper thanks for the pants." I quickly turned and exited the room, a smirk playing on my lips as I thought to myself 'A fun year indeed'

A/N Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read this story! I would also like to give a shout out to my Ego, who is now helping me write this story! Thanks a bunch, and please drop a review if you can!


	4. Chapter Four: Day One: Breakfast

**A/N- Edited (11-7-10)**

Disclaimer: Don't, and probably never will, own Harry Potter!

**Chapter Four: Day One: Breakfast**

I woke up to the sound of squealing girls. Groggily I looked around to find my three roommates, beside Lilly and Deuce, all standing on their group leader's bed screaming and pointing at something on the floor. Curiously I peered over, only to realize a girl was about to chuck a shoe at Geico. Letting out a battle cry I dove over the little Gecko and scooped him into my hand petting his head.

I looked over to the frightened girls "What's your problem you almost crushed him!"

"That, that thing was crawling on my arm this morning!" One of the girls shrieked.

"It's disgusting!" Wailed another while flailing her arms.

"Yeah, well I think your face is disgusting, but I don't try to smash you with a shoe." I muttered under my breath. With that I stomped to my bed, placing Geico down, and collecting my uniform.

"I guess now's as good as a time as any to get ready for the day! TO THE BATHROOM!" I shouted as I meandered to the door on my left, leaving a group of astonished girls staring at my back, which, unfortunately, was heading in the opposite direction of the bathroom.

Apparently over the night I had forgotten where the bathroom was, and proceeded to the door leading into the common room. I would've succeeded in entering the common room if Deuce hadn't roughly grabbed my collar.

"The bathroom is over there." she pointed out, exasperated.

"Oh" With a shrug, I exclaimed yet again "TO THE BATHROOM" and this time I found my way.

After my very long, very hot shower, I ran a towel through my hair, and got dressed in my new and improved uniform. As I opened the door I was met by the faces of five very angry roommates.

"YOU TOOK FOREVER!" screamed one of them.

"How will I get ready in time?" she glared at me while grabbing a towel and running into the bathroom.

"AND YOU USED UP ALL THE HOT WATER!"

I could hear her shout from inside the small steamy room.

"Huh, I guess I was in there longer than I thought. Oh well. "I said while grabbing my back pack and walking out into the common room, oblivious to the evil scowls my roommates were giving me. (Needless to say I'm lucky looks can't kill.)

I strolled down the stairs into the common room, and was greeted by the sight of a cocky looking Viper lounging on an overstuffed chair.

"What's with the look?" I asked casually while taking a seat across from him on my own overstuffed (and not nearly as comfy as it looks) chair.

He raised his eye brows and tilted his head. I looked over to where he was oh so inconspicuously telling me to. There was, what looked to be, a group of fourteen and/ or thirteen years old girls blushing at the sight of him. He gave them a quick grin, that seemed to be too much for their naïve little minds, because a few in the back seemed to have gone unconscious.

"Still got it." he said cockily

"Cradle robber" I muttered while smacking him upside the head

"Owww!" He whined while holding his head.

"Ace, I'm not going to date them or anything" He rubbed his head and pouted.

"You're so mean to me!"

I just rolled my eyes "Well if your done corrupting the Youth, I would like to get to breakfast. I really want a bagel. Mmmmm bagels how I love thee!"

With that I stood up grabbed my backpack and proceeded to drag Viper down the stairs. All the while getting some strange looks from the people we passed.

We finally made it down to the great hall and found ourselves some seats, ignoring the gawking crowds.

"They act like they've never seen two people sit down to eat before, jeez." I mumbled while I continued my quest for bagels, only to realize there were none.

I gasped. "What's wrong with these people! All I can find are English muffins! THE FIENDS!" I burst into a fit of tears as Viper patted my back.

"I guess you're going to have to settle for the English muffin" he said with a sigh.

I calmed down and picked up a muffin glaring at it "Damn British" I mumbled while munching on the god awful muffin.

(I mean it's not even a muffin! It's a disgrace to the muffins title! It has no top, no chocolate, no blueberries NOTHING! It's a pitiful excuse for a breakfast food.)

I continued my little mental rant only to realize Lily and Deuce had both joined our group. As I sat there scowling at my English muffin Deuce sat next to me.

"What's wrong?" she asked noticing my foul mood.

"No bagels" I muttered bitterly. "You failed to mention this to me before we came to this horrid place, and THIS…" I pointed accusingly at my English "muffin." "…is NOT a muffin!"

Viper nodded his head in agreement. "They don't even have raspberry jelly! What kind of sick freaks don't use raspberry jelly?"

Seemingly ignoring both our rants Lily asked "Would you like some toast?" as she tried nudging a piece at me.

"TOAST!" I cried in the most ridiculous British accent I could.

"WHY DARLING I WOULD ADORE SOME TOAST!" I screamed, still using your fake British accent.

"OH PIP PIP!" Viper yelled out while raising his glass at me imitating the same British accent.

"Ace, Viper you're being louder than usual this morning." Deuce said, while shaking her head.

"Well" I muttered darkly, my voice turning in to almost a whisper.

"That is because; I HATE YOUR PATHETIC BRITISH EXCUSE FOR BREAKFEAST!" I screamed while standing up and throwing my toast dramatically to the floor looking around pointedly.

"Oh!" I exclaimed excitedly while pointing a few feet down the table.

"Lucky Charms!"

By this time the great hall had gone completely silent watching my little outburst. Most people's jaws went slack, openly gaping at me.

I calmly walked down the table and reached for the prized box of cereal.

'I wonder if there's a prize' I silently wondered to myself.

As I was about to grasp the amazing breakfast in box Viper sprung up and snatched it from me, and took off out of the hall.

"OH NO WAY IN HELL!" I Yelled while giving chase.

Deuce shook her head and muttered "I don't think Hogwarts is ready for those two"

A/N- Thank you for reading it's greatly appreciated! Please drop a review!


	5. Chapter Five Enter The Marauders!

**A/N- Edited 11-7-10**

**Chapter Five- Enter The Marauders!**

**A/N**: We would like to thank Miss Heather who was kind enough to leave a very kind review! Also we would like to say we still do not own Harry Potter! Please drop a review if you would it is really appreciated.

It had been five days since our first breakfast at Hogwarts, and nothing too entertaining had happened, just a few minor mishaps. Well Deuce thinks they were major mishaps, but they weren't THAT bad…

All we did was light the potion's professor on fire, but it was an accident, really! Not that the jerk didn't deserve it, but it was completely accidental!

Our first potion ever, combusted and the professor happened to be in the line of fire, literally.

Really though, it was our first attempt at a potion! Why two novice potion makers are in an advance potion class, the world may never know!

Viper and I got a week's worth of detention, and we're pretty sure the professor is plotting our death, but what can you do?

Oh, and yesterday Viper got cornered by fan girls, and I had to save him. Other than that, nothing too entertaining has gone down.

"Ace, are you alive over there? You just spaced out!" Viper said while shaking my shoulder

"Oh, heh, Sorry about that, just thinking." I replied while scratching the back of my head.

Today was our first Saturday at Hogwarts, and currently Viper and myself were on our way outside for a spar.

(Yes, I said spar, we're both avid martial artists.)

We eventually made our way out to the grounds, and found a suitable place to spar.

Getting into my favorite fighting position I shouted over to Viper "No holding back! think you can handle it?"

"Nooooooooooooooooo" he groaned while holding his stomach. "I think I ate too much for breakfast" he whined.

"Well good! You can work it off, you gluttonous toad!" I yelled back, then stuck out my tongue.

"Did you just call me a gluttonous toad?" He asked slightly perplexed at my interesting use of words.

"Yes" I replied defiantly, getting out of my fighting stance to stand with my hands on my hips.

"HAHA!" He yelled, and then charged at me full speed. "An opening!"

He aimed a punch strait for my solar plexus, and since I didn't have enough time to block it all, I only managed to turn to the side, so he got my ribs instead. I coughed a little from the impact. Viper may be on the thin side, but he can pack a punch.

"That was a cheap shot!" I yelled

"You said no holding back." He called back with a Cheshire grin plastered across his face.

"Indeed I did." I mischievously stated while crouching low to the ground.

I sprang up from my crouching position, and landed a roundabout kick to his face, sending him flying the other direction. He landed in a heap on the ground.

"Heh, how do you like them apples." I stated with a smirk.

He rubbed his head and pushed himself up from the ground, mumbling something, he sprang towards me. I quickly blocked the incoming shot, and before I knew it we were in a full on punching and blocking match.

After almost fifteen minutes of this, I finally spotted an opening on his left side. I took the shot and with a hard elbow to the ribs Viper fell to the ground for the second time.

"Man, that puts you up by two!" Viper commented as I helped him up from the ground.

I smiled ."Yeah well I'm just that good."

We both laughed as we made our way back to the common room chatting about random things.

Finally reaching our destination, and crashed on the couch.

"Damn, haven't worked out like that since we got here. We need to do it more often." Viper said while he spread out on his half of the sofa.

"Indeed." I replied while stretching my arms.

Suddenly, there was a commotion coming down the boy's stair case. Looking up we saw the four boys from the first day sprinting down the stairs, a horrific cloud of odor trailing behind them.

"My god!" I cried standing up and pointing at the four boys.

"LOOK!" I yelled again, effectively gaining everyone in the room's attention.

"Real live shit heads! I didn't think they existed, but there they are, right in front of my eyes!"

The boys had now stopped, and expressions ranging from confused, to insulted, to amused littered their faces.

"Viper, Get the camera!" I yelled, now in full blown National Geographic mode.

Viper pulled out the camera and proceeded to take photos of the four shocked boys.

(Of course thinking back on it, I would be shocked too, if two people suddenly changed into safari gear and were crouched behind a sofa, taking pictures of me and taking down notes.)

Finally, one of the specimens, I mean boys, came to and yelled at us. "We are NOT shit heads!"

"You're not?" I asked coming out from behind the couch with Viper.

"Well that's disappointing." I took my safari hat off and put it on a nearby table.

"What's disappointing?" asked the small sickly blond boy.

"That people in this day and age, with such resources, can still have such a blatant disregard for personal hygiene." I quipped looking completely dejected.

"This place is full of nothing but disappointment" I stated while shaking my head "Raising your hopes only to dash them down!"

"What do you mean?" Asked the black haired boy with glasses.

"I mean, this place promises magic, then can't even supply basic, everyday necessities!" I flailed my arms.

Viper sighed "She's still upset about them not having bagels in The Great Hall."

"It's still ridiculous that they don't, but any way, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted." I glared at Viper

"When you start to think that maybe, just maybe you found a little bit of magic, your hopes are dashed, because apparently, the British don't believe in soap, therefore, leading you to false conclusions!" At the end of my rant I had some very interesting looks directed at me.

"So what you're saying," said the sickly looking, tall one. "Is that your perception of magic is totally destroyed because we aren't, in the literal sense, shit heads?"

I nodded a crestfallen look on my face. Viper patted my back comfortingly.

"There's something seriously wrong with you." Said the boy with longish, black hair.

"ME?" I cried indignity.

"I BATHE!"

The one with the blonde hair began to chuckle slightly.

"Hey, what's your name?" I asked the blonde one. I liked him; he seemed to be the best smelling one out of the lot.

Unfortunately the one with the longish black hair spoke up first "I'm Siri-"

"Not you!" I said cutting him off .

"You still smell bad, so for now, you will be shit head number one. You will be shithead number two." I said pointing to the boy with glasses.

"And you, my sickly looking friend, shall be Frank." I said pointing to the small boy with blonde hair.

"HEY!" cried one of the shitheads.

(I already forgot which is which.)

"How come he gets to be Frank, and we have to be shitheads?"

"SILENCE OH SMELLY ONE!" I said putting my hand up effectively shushing them.

"Now, I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

"I'm Remus Lupin." said the tallish, blonde boy.

"Pleasure to meet you!" I said bowing with a great flourish of my hand.

With a chuckle he asked "And what, may I ask, is your name?"

I stood back up. Looked him in the eye, and with a flip of my not so flippy hair, struck a serious pose where my eyes were shadowed, and a gloomy looked plastered on my face.

"My name?" I said in a haughty tone.

The boys, not including Viper, all looked a little freaked at this point, and where sort of inching away.

"I am called many things," I said "but you my dear new friend," Here I paused and looked back up right into Remus's eyes "may call me Ace."

A cheerful look took back over my face. "And the stupid looking one over there, goes by Viper"

"Hey!" Viper said indigently.

"I am not stupid looking! Handsome, yes. Stupid looking, no."

"Well I don't know what mirror you're looking into, but it's obviously lying to you."

"Viper and Ace?" stated the king of stink (also known as Oh Smelly one.)

"What kind of names are those?" With that he started to laugh hysterically.

The other smelly one and Frank soon joined in.

"Sirius, stop laughing at their names! They're obviously nicknames" Remus said with a sigh.

Viper staged whispered to me "I bet you that one" he pointed at the newly dubbed Sirius "Is a wet blanket at parties."

I nodded my head in agreement. Remus shook his head and chuckled.

I sighed "Even the humor here is below par, disappointing indeed." I looked down, and shook my head disapprovingly.

The cool one, A.K.A Remus, spoke up "So is this your first year at a magic school, or did you go to a magic school in America?"

"First year." I replied while holding up my pointer finger.

"Oh," he said.

For some reason this statement seemed to interest him.

"So how do you like it?" he asked

"Well it's a bit of a letdown really." I replied honestly

"Isn't there anything you like?" he asked again, seeming a bit shocked.

"Oh yeah!" I said "That painting of a nun on the second floor! She's great to talk to!"

"You mean the crazy nun who screams profanities and insults at any one who walks bye?" Said the shit head with glasses.

"Yep" I replied, "she's great! Just yesterday I had an insult contest with her."

"An insult contest with a crazy nun, you sure are a piece of work" stated Sir Smells allot.

As soon as I opened my mouth to verbally abuse him a group of synchronized squeals rang through the room. Viper's face paled as he quickly jumped behind me

"Ace, save me!" He said while attempting to hide behind my shorter frame.

"Damn it! I thought I scared them off last time." I said with a look of shock and horror on my face.

"What are you two talking about?" Questioned Remus.

Just as the question left his mouth a herd of raging, pubescent, girls sprang forward, squealing out a piercing war cry.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ITS THE PLAUGE!" With that proclamation me and Viper hightailed it up the boys stairs, leaving a cloud of dust and four very confused boys in our wake.

The boys looked at the herd, witch quickly disbanded after we disappeared up the stairs.

"Well that was an experience" Sirius said, as the other three nodded along in agreement.

A/N Thank you for reading if you would drop a line it would be very much appreciated


	6. Chapter Six It's probably a tumor

**A/N- Edited 11-7-10**

Disclaimer- We OWN NOTHING!

**Chapter Six- It's probably a tumor**

Three weeks, Four days and 17 hours later we were sitting in the common room arguing about god knows what.

"What are you guys arguing about now?" Sirius rudely interrupted our enlightening conversation. Yes, I have taken to calling him Sirius now; Sir Stinks a lot was just too much.

"Which is the best flavor of ice cream" Viper said casually.

"How short shorts are going to get before people just stop wearing cloths all together" I replied simultaneously

Sirius just stopped and starred.

(He does that a lot, I'm very convinced it's some sort of mental retardation. I've wanted to ask, but Deuce said it would be rude. Either way I've been telling all my friends back home that I'm caring for the mentally disabled. You know, get some brownie points with all the nuns. Though come to think of it I don't know any nuns except for that crazy one who used to hit kids with rulers, or if pictures counts witch I'm not sure about... one of the many wonders of life I suppose.)

"So Sirius" I ask casually "What's your opinion on girls becoming more skanky mc slutbags?"

"I don't see a problem with it" He replied running his hand through his hair and leaning against the wall.

(I'm not sure if running his hand through his hair and casually leaning were symptoms of the mental disease, or if they were just things he did; either way, I've wanted to ask him, but Deuce, ever the kill joy, says that that would also be rude.)

"Yes, you probably wouldn't see a problem with it" I said rolling my eyes, "With you being a giant mass of hormones and all."

"I am NOT a giant mass of hormones!" Sirius cried obviously offended by this.

"I am very deep!" he said trying to defend himself.

"Deep as compared to..." I trailed off as nothing came to mind.

"That shallow whore over there." Remus pointed out, coming to my aid.

My eyes followed to where Remus was pointing, and sure enough, there was a girl with enough hairspray to supply the fifties, and more make up than Clay Aiken on his first date with Ryan Seacrest. The whore ensemble was completed with what looked to be a total of ten square inches fabric that must of been her "artist's rendition" of the school uniform.

"You!" I screamed while I walked over to her, and dragged her back to where we were all standing.

"This," I said pointing to the bewildered girl "Is what is wrong with society." She looked confused for all of three seconds before noticing both Sirius and Viper where looking at her, and went into full flirt mode.

(Let's just say I NEVER want to see that much of another women's cleavage ever again.)

While Viper and Sirius were distracted I looked at Remus, as if to ask permission for what I was about to do. He shrugged; I smirked then walked up to the girl, went on my tip toes…

(not that I'm short or anything, she was just wearing elevator high heels, seriously!) Anyway,

I whispered into her ear, she looked slightly depressed, mumbled under her breathe and quickly left.

I grinned at Remus and quickly struck a victory pose "Works every time."

Viper looked aghast, "Tell me you didn't! Come on Ace, say it aint so!"

I just smiled in reply. Viper quickly face palmed.

Sirius looked confused "What did she do?"

Viper began to fake sob into my shoulder, muttering about his ruined reputation.

"Let's just say, that now instead of girls wanting you to take them out to a restaurant, they'll want you to go scarf shopping with them instead."

The look on Sirius' face was priceless! A true Kodak moment! (In fact I think I've got the picture some were under my bed.) Anyway, he went off running in the direction on the skanky McSlut bag, in order to rebuild his reputation.

"Aww, to bad, he's fun to mess with." I said while folding my hands behind my head.

"Hey Vipe at least you don't have to worry about all those crazy fan girls anymore."

He lifted his head off my shoulder contemplated this then shrugged

"This is true. Fan girls ruin everything."

(Like that one time when I was eating ice cream, and they knocked it over with their raging hormone stampede. A small tear formed at the corner of my eye. Such good ice cream, it deserved so much better.)

James walked up mumbling about a headache. I was quick to assure him it was probably a tumor, and not to worry about it. He looked at me perturbed.

"Where's Sirius?"

"He went to go have hot hate sex with random strangers." I replied easily.

"What?" James yelled in my face.

"Don't worry James" I said patting his arm "I gave him a cooty shot"

"Oh thank god!" h]He said wiping his brow, and slumping down against the ground.

Remus shook his head "And here I thought we were out of the whole cootie stage."

I looked at him appalled.

"Boys still have cooties," I supplied "They just call them STD's now."

With that I skipped off leaving a dropped jawed Remus being pat on the back by Viper.

A/N: OH MY God it's been forever since we last updated and we apologize we've been so caught up with school and lazing around we haven't had time to write. Getting into college is HELL! Please drop a review like our uber, spectacular, amazing, reviewer Miss Heather! We both Heart you!


	7. Chapter Seven Completion full Circle

**Edited 11/12/10**

**Chapter Seven- Completion (full Circle)**

(Today is Tuesday. My most hated day of the week. Really, it's just there! Not at the beginning of the week, not in the middle of the week just a day.

It's nothing like Thursday where you are actually looking forward to Friday.

Come on, who looks forward to Wednesday, crazy people that's who! No one but crazy, Russian, axe murderers look forward to Wednesday, and they are far from sane.

To make this Tuesday even better I'm stuck in class, and, oh, how I despise class!

I still can't believe I'm stuck in school. I dodged this bullet for almost 13 years and now I'm hit!

Viper looks to in the same boat, even though he's actually been to school before. Though, that was a long time ago, and it wasn't a school of magic, but I'm getting off topic…

In this class we've recently gained a seating chart. We're all 16 to 17 years old. I'm sure we're old enough to sit where we want!

Though, there was that one accident a couple of weeks ago…

Anyways Viper looks like he's about to fall asleep, and Deuce is diligently taking notes. I blame her for this whole situation. It's her fault we're even here! I could have been doing something better with my time. Like training, instead of sitting here getting fat and out of shape!

I'm almost as bad as the potions master!

I don't want to become like him!

Although, those extra chins would be good for hiding things, think of all food I could smuggle out of the Great Hall! Then I'll get fatter, and I'll be able to smuggle more food!

What a vicious cycle…) I thought turning back to our blimp of a teacher, shaking my head at his misfortune.

"I bet he could fit babies under his chins!"

(I thought, well at least I thought I thought. Apparently I had said it out loud earning me some scandalized looks.)

I turned to my potions partner. Wait, since when did Sirius become my Potions partner?

"Hey! What are you doing here?" I pointed accusingly.

"What happened to that one guy, or was it a girl. Ethan, Ernest, no maybe it was Ethel… It was definitely Ethel."

"I've been sitting here since last week, when Nathan asked to switch partners after you burnt his eyebrows off…" Sirius said staring at me like I had grown another head.

(Now I've seen a lot of things in my day, so naturally I checked. One must always check to make sure you don't start spontaneously reproducing asexually. I saw this person that was half way through budding, and didn't seem to notice. I told her, and instead of thanking me for the helpful information, she got very offended. Then get this, the spawn talked! She said they were conjoined twins. Pfft as if anyone would believe that.)

While I was pondering Sirius began to inch his chair away. I looked at him, then looked around and realized everyone else was doing something productive.

"Hey, do you know what we're supposed to be doing?"

Sirius stopped scooting and looked around confused. He then looked at the board.

"Well, it says up there we're supposed to be making a polyjuice potion."

(Well this should be fun…)

"Ethel! Hand me that chopping knife!"

He sighed dejectedly and mumbled "My name is Sirius."

"Ethel, Sirius, tomato, potato."

"Isn't it tomato, tomáto?"

"That's stupid; they don't even sound the same."

He just shook his head and handed me the knife. I smiled and began the potion.

(I hate to brag, but our potion was a success, and it only took me a month to figure out the whole process. Man I'm awesome.)

While I was patting myself on the back, the professor explained something then told us to take a swig of our potion. I shrugged my shoulders and took a shot. For juice it tasted horrible!

I looked down at my hands and realized they weren't my hands.

Apparently, we were supposed to switch potions with a person of the same gender, because our potions master though it would be imprudent to let the guys "take advantage of our innocent bodies."

I looked over to where Deuce was supposed to be standing and looked right into my own startled face.

Wow, this is a whole new level of weird!

"Deuce, why do you wear a skirt? I feel like I'm naked" I whined as I hurriedly attempted to pull the skirt hem down.

"Stop whining!" Deuce chided.

"I'll whine if I want to!" I replied still trying to pull down my skirt.

"How long does this thing last anyway?"

"It should wear off by the time lunch is over." Deuce answered.

I sighed. (Going down the stairs in a skirt would certainly be an adventure.)

The bell rang, and all the other happy students, looking like their friends, skipped off to lunch.

All the while Deuce and some random guy were making fun of me and my newly acquired skirt. Never mind the fact that it was Deuce's body so everything looked the same.

I turned around and gave Deuce/Me and Mr. Random a sugary sweet smile.

"Yes, it really is a shame I never learned to walk in a skirt."

That wiped the smile right off her face. If I had a camera I could have cherished the moment forever!

(It slipped my mind that it would be a picture of my face.)

I pointed at the random guy.

"Who exactly are you supposed to be, and why are you mocking me?"

The random guy looked at himself.

"Gah, I'm Viper, I changed potions with some random guy, who is nowhere nearly as good looking as me."

Viper began mourning the loss of his "great and handsome" physique.

I shrugged grabbed my back pack, and got ready to sprint down to lunch. However, fate is a cruel mistress, so I ended up running into Remus instead.

"Remmy!"

I shouted with a grin and gave him a hug (as is our normal greeting.)

This time though his whole face turned red.

"Are you sickly?" I poked his face.

"Hello?" I waved my hand in his face.

"H-hello Deuce…" He stuttered out while fiddling with his hands.

"No, I'm Ace… polyjuice potion remember? Oh yeah, you're not Remmy, who did you switch with?"

"Oh, well no one really…." He said shifting from one foot to the other.

"My partner was Peter. He made the potion, and well, it didn't quite work…" he trailed off looking at the back corner of the room.

Sure enough there was Peter, covered in feathers.

"Oh my gosh!" I cried running over to Peter.

"What's WRONG with you people? You don't tar and feather someone just because they messed up a potion!"

"Um Ace… Peter messing up the potion gave him feather. No One tarred and feathered him. "Remus explained still not making eye contact with me.

(what a weird kid…)

"Oh, well if that's the case…" I said while walking back up to Remus, James, Viper, and Deuce in my body.

(Jeeze that doesn't get any less creepy….)

"So are you feeling okay Remmy?" he looked away and stuttered out a weak yeah.

I walked up to James "your friend is kind of weird" I whispered while pointing to Remus.

"Yeah, well, what can you do?" James said while shrugging.

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any weirder, I saw Sirius get slapped by Dorcus.

"MY FACE!" James screamed while flailing his arms.

Then, using my firm grasp on the obvious I deduced that Sirius and James, and Lily and Dorcus took on each other's appearance. Either way it was highly amusing to see "Sirius" on his knees telling "Dorcus" how much he loved her.

"Wow, weird. I may hate this body switch thing, but I must say it's extremely entertaining. Too bad we don't have any pop corn."

It was just another normal day in a Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

A/N Sorry we took so long to update… We have both been diligently working on homework…okay well that's a lie; we've mainly been procrastinating… Hope you liked the update! Thanks to everyone who reviewed it's GREATLY appreciated! Next chapter we might get to see things through another perspective… Please review, we'll update faster if you do!


	8. Chapter Eight If you cut it in half

**Edited- 11/12/10**

**Chapter Eight- If you cut it in half it is chapter Four (but not really…)**

"Damn I make this mirror look good…" I thought as I gave the mirror the pleasure of reflecting my image.

"Sirius stop admiring yourself in the mirror and get your inflated ego out here!"

I heard Remus call from within the room.

He will never appreciate the fine art of grooming, masculine grooming, which is in no way like primping.

I took a last look at my god-like visage and headed out of the bathroom and swaggered (Yes swaggered) I don't just walk, my way over to my three partners in crime.

(Wait, would it be partners when there are four of us? Hmmm, maybe if I say my partner James and our other acquaintances, Peter and Remus… )

We walked down the stairs, only to see those to new kids doing something. Wait what in the hell are they doing? Where did they get those suits of Armor?

They were prancing around, weapons held in hand, and creaking like nobody's business. The boy, Viper, was striking a ridiculous pose, while the girl was scaring a group of first years that had just walked down the stairs.

I turned to Remus "What in the name of Merlin are those two up to?"

He just chuckled and shook his head. "I'm not sure, but they seem to be having a good time."

As he finished the statement, Ace threw her helmet at Viper then took off in a dead sprint. The scandalized looking boy was quick to give chase.

Shaking my head and mumbling to myself about mentally disturbed, American teenagers, I quickly made my way towards the portrait hole; my posse flanking me on either side.

Finally, we were able to make it down to the great hall where James spotted his 'beloved' Lily Flower. He was quick to saunter up to her, showering her with praises and asking for her hand in marriage.

(well that's what I assumed he was doing seeing as I stopped listening long ago…)

I settled my sights on the two new kids being scolded by a furious looking Jenifer; whom Remus was admiring from a far.

(Ah, can't you feel the love tonight?)

"Remus" I said to my love sick puppy of a friend.

"Maybe you should just ask Jenifer to the next Hogsmeade, instead of staring at her like a creepy stalker."

Remus blushed at the mention of Jenifer.

(I suppose he assumed that no one knew about his heart's pining. For a smart kid, he's pretty dumb.)

"I don't think it's that simple Sirius." he said now turning his attention to me and looking rather down cast.

"Well sure it is!" I said slapping him on the back,

"Watch this."

I then began to look for the nearest girl who I could ask out, to show my pessimistic friend that he was wrong. Unfortunately the only girls around were Lily, (which was an obvious taboo), Jenifer, (which would defeat the purpose), and Ace.

Oh well, I thought, how hard can this be.

I then prepared my most alluring face, and swaggered over to Ace, who was still being yelled at by Jenifer.

"Ace darling" I said, leaning on the table next to her and getting close enough for her to get a good whiff of my sexy cologne.

"I have good news! You get to go with me to Hogsmeade next week."

"…"

She stayed silent for a while, which wasn't really too shocking. I'd be a little out of breath too if I asked me out.

Then the unexpected happened. She started laughing...at me.

"What makes you think that I…"

She was choked by her laughter…

" Would want to go-"

She couldn't finish her statement though, she was laughing too hard.

Then to make matters worse, she snorted. I made her laugh so hard that she snorted.

"Oh god I think I'm gonna pee!" she managed to get in between her fit of hysteria.

I went back to sit next to Remus who was about to say something before I cut him off.

"I'm fine Moony, it's not like she counts any ways, she's too weird to be considered a girl."

But deep inside my head I was thinking,

'how could she resist me? No one had EVER rejected me. What made her so different?'

*Ace's POV*

Well today has just been strange. That's pretty much the only word that does it justice.

I woke up in the middle of the night, only to find small elves cleaning the common room. Well at first I thought they were stealing, and had prepared myself for an epic battle sequence, but after careful investigation I concluded that they were, in fact, cleaning, which was not nearly as exciting.

Later, after talking to them, I found out that they cooked for the entire population of the castle, and also cleaned the behemoth structure; which I found odd because the castle was huge, and it would make more sense to have large people, not small elves, do the cleaning, but this was an odd place.

The bonus to making friends with the little housecleaners was they told me where the kitchens were, and said I could come whenever I wanted to get food, which, of course, led me to go there strait away, and ended with me eating my weight in pie at three in the morning; needless to say it was not one of my brightest ideas.

After that I went to sleep off all the weight I had gained, but found some random cat sleeping in my bed. I tried moving it, but every time I pushed it or threw it off, it would just sneak its way back onto the bed.

Being frustrated and on the verge of being thrown into a pie induced coma I decided I would share the bed with the cat, seeing as cats really aren't that big; however, it decided that wherever my head was, that was where it wanted to sleep.

Then to make things worse (if there can be anything worse than being suffocated by a cat in your sleep) I found that cookie I had hid away from Viper a week ago was under my pillow, and it was starting to become rank (note to self NEVER leave half-baked chocolate chip cookies under your pillow.)

At about five in the morning I gave up trying to sleep and took a shower. After I got dressed, I looked for my shoes, but of my two pairs of comfy shoes each had one of its pairs missing, so I decided to wear one of each.

Finally, during lunch Sirius asked me out on a date. I suppose there are only two reactions a girl like me could have to a situation like that; confusion and mild disgust.

So now it's after lunch, and instead of doing my home work like a good kid, I'm taking a walk out by the lake contemplating the strangeness that has been my day.

To top off this day of hell (which is in fact NOT a Tuesday, but Saturday, which is by far supposed to be the best day of the week)I got chewed out by a French painting.

The only response I could give to this brutal verbal lashing was to tell the overrated piece of art to "Soufflé my pompadour!" which was the only French I knew. Needless to say this left the French mustached man speechless, and I was victorious in our verbal scuffle.

Sadly, beating a painting has been the highlight of my day…

Back to the Sirius topic, (kekekeke Sirius topic, ah that never gets old, but back on track.)

Why on earth would he ask me out…?

It must have been a joke, a rather lame, yet hilarious (for me) joke, but then why did he look so upset?

Throwing my hands in the air I stomped away to look for Viper. I need a spar to take out some of this frustrated confusion.

…(ellipses the passing of time)

After a good long spar, and a nice hot soak in a bath, I'm feeling a lot better.

(I'm pretty sure the two gallons of chocolate ice cream had nothing to do with the complete calm I'm feeling right now, nothing at all.)

While I was peacefully lounging on the couch, I happened to rest my gaze on my most beloved of all Marauders', a Mr. Remus Lupin, who was currently gazing upon one of my most favorite of friends, a Miss Deuce McPherson. Smiling to myself, and flopping my way off the couch I sauntered my way over to Remus.

"So, how's the view?" I asked while I sat down on the arm of the chair he was occupying.

He turned a dark red color and looked away.

"I don't know what you're talking about Ace, I'm reading this book."

Remmy stated while refocusing his eyes on the book in his lap.

"You mean the one that's upside down?" I asked with a note of superiority.

If possible Remus turned even redder and flipped his book around.

"So my favorite of new friends" I said wiggling my eyebrows at Remus.

"How long have you been pining over my friend over yonder?"I said blatantly pointing towards Deuce.

Remus slapped my hand down quickly and looked about to ensure that no one had caught my conspicuous insinuation.

"I-I Still don't know what you're talking about Ace." He stuttered out in a high pitcher voice.

I smirked evilly "What do you mean Remmy, old pal? It's painfully obvious you like my Blond headed friend!"

He looked more startled, but I cut him off before he could say anything.

"So do you want my help in ascertaining the women you've been pining after?"

He stopped and considered my offer.

His pause was enough for me to gather an answer.

"Alright step one, let her know you exist."

Then I got close enough to whisper in his ear and said.

"Operation Remy is alive is go!" in a quiet shout.

This seemed to startle my newly found friend, but he really didn't have time to be startled seeing as the operation was already "go."

"REMUS GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY SHIRT!" I said standing up and doing my best to look shocked and appalled. This loud outburst of course gained the attention of the entire room, and Remus had a look of pure horror on his face.

"Bu-but I" he started.

Then I cut him off.

"You see this, folks, would be what would have happened if Remus was your ordinary run-of-the mill type of guy, but luckily he isn't; he a respectable young man. The stuff dreams are made of!

But wait there's more! For a limited time only, he's single, and yours for the taking ladies!

So take a good look, 'cause he won't be on the market for long!

What's that you ask? How could a man so wonderful be single?

Well I'll tell you! He's socially awkward, but who doesn't like a challenge?

But wait! If you mention this commercial when you ask this dreamy prince charming out you'll get a free butterbeer!

That's right a great man and a free drink. (Must be sixteen years or older to ask)."

I resumed my seat next to Remus and said in my normal volume of voice. "Well that went well."

Remus still looking mortified said in a small whisper "Why didn't I just run away?"

A/N- Hehehehehe before you start accusing us of stuff let me tell you about the accident my ego got into! It was a freak accident involving Pigeons, Jell-O squares, and duct tape! It was pretty epic! I had to drag her to the hospital while trekking through 5 feet of snow, while simultaneously fighting off a Chupacabra who was in co-hoots with the jell-o squares! It was awful! Anyway, drop us a line so we can feel special! It will be cherished and remembered in our "they really like us" moments at school!


	9. Chapter Nine Disco Fever for the BRAIN!

**Chapter Nine- Disco Fever for the BRAIN!**

My plan to get girls to notice Remus went off without a hitch. Well, almost... lots of girls had started noticing the quiet and sickly Marauder, just not the one that held his fancy. I told Remus we could move to plan B, but he frantically denied my help and said he'd be fine on his own. I shrugged off the dismissal, and started pondering on Sirius's strange behavior...

'Maybe he has brain fever' I thought.

That would certainly explain the strange glances and the random bursts of red in his cheeks. Plus lots of British people get brain fever, or TB, but he hasn't been coughing, so it must be brain fever.

Then I felt horrible for his friends, who obviously hadn't figured out the sad fate of their beloved friend.

OH CRUEL FATE WHY MUST THOUGH TAKEST AWAY THINE YOUNGEST SERVANTS?

Then I had the moral dilemma of telling his friends, who obviously remained ignorant of their friend's condition, or keeping them in the dark.

Well, if they don't know then obviously Sirius doesn't want them to know. So I decided to do the honorable thing and leave it up to Sirius.

Another thought then came to my mind. Sirius didn't look like someone who knew they had brain fever. What if he didn't know, and it was still treatable? I took it upon myself to warn the poor marauder of his condition, and maybe save his life.

As I was rushing about the school searching for Sirius (consisting of me opening every door I came across and screaming his name into the room) I realized that there were many couples in Hogwarts who obviously wished to remain unknown, but really if they wanted their illicit love lives to remain a secret they should have locked the door. Honestly, people these days!

Finally I found him sitting on top of the astronomy tower.

However, by this time I had been running about the entire castle, and was quite out of breathe. So, my well thought out and tactful way of telling Sirius he was going to die kind of came out in a long slur, and a yell as I collapsed in front of him.

"SIRIUS! I'M SO GLAD I FOUNDYOU! GO TO THE HOSPITAL WING NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" I screamed before landing in a heap before him.

He stayed silent for a while; I couldn't really tell what he was doing because my face was resting against the cool stone of the tower. He finally broke the silence.

"What?" he asked using the tone of voice one uses when addressing an angry grizzly bear with a chain saw.

"You have brain fever! You're going to die!" I said more calmly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't catch that." Sirius said getting a little closer to me a look of bewilderment on his face.

I rolled over so my face wasn't presses to the ground.

"I said you're going to die! You have brain fever Sirius."

I gave him the most apologetic look one can after running as long as I had, which probably looked more like the face of a drunk person when asked to explain Einstein's theory of relativity…

His looked of bewilderment just grew "What in the hell is brain fever, and how do you know I have it?"

I sighed and drug myself off the ground getting really close to his face.

"You have all the symptoms!" I started "You're British, the rosy cheeks, the random outbursts! It all adds up."

His face turned red and I a-hawed.

"See there it is! You can see the brain fever it's flaring up again!"

I stammered while pointing at his flushed cheeks. He just stood there dumbly so I grabbed his hand and proceeded to drag him down to the infirmary.

He stopped me from pulling to the infirmary and turned me around then pulled his face in really close, I shot away from him and could feel my cheeks burning.

"There!" he said pointing to my triumphantly.

"You have it too, whatever it is! You have rosy cheeks and have way more random outbursts than I've had in my entire life!" He said throwing his hands up in the air.

"Sirius, Sirius, Sirius." I said placing my hand on his shoulder and shaking my head.

I then proceeded to talk to him like one talks to retarded cousin. "I am clearly not British; therefore, I am immune to brain fever."

I spoke slowly so he could understand me; I then turned away and said in a lower voice.

"Ah it's worse than I thought."

It looks like I'm going to have to get him down to the infirmary using my master skills of deception' I though while grinning to myself.

I turned back to Sirius and grabbed his hand instead of his arm. "Come on Sirius"

I coaxed "I have something to show you."

His face flushed even redder as I proceeded to walk down the corridor holding his hand.

He started stuttering "Wha-what do you, uh, thin-think..."

I cut him off by putting my finger to my lips in a shushing motion "Shhhh don't talk..."

'Wow he's getting even worse his whole head is red I thought to myself as we made our slow trek to the infirmary. As we approached the infirmary I looked at his face. He was in a daze. I gasped and rushed us both inside the nurse's office.

"Quick!" I shouted drawing the nurse's attention to me "He has brain fever!"

Madam Pomfrey looked over from her desk and stood up walking towards us

"Excuse me? She said looking down at me.

"He has brain fever; if we hurry we may still be able to save him!"

Sirius, having figured out my plan, folded his arms over his chest and glared at me.

"My dear" Madam Pomfrey said looking at me.

"There is no such thing as 'brain fever'. It was merely a general disease Victorian writers used to kill off their characters without using TB."

Well... I felt dumb. I turned bright red and turned back to Sirius rubbing the back of my neck. "Hehe sorry Sirius, I guess you're not dying. You're just strange."

He just continued to glare at me.

"Hey!" I said pointing at him.

I was starting to get a little annoyed with his attitude.

"Don't you take that tone of look with me mister! I was just looking out for you! Be glad there are people out there who care enough to tell you when you are dying of fictional diseases!"

I then stomped off leaving the confused Sirius, and even more confused madam Pomfrey behind.

'No respect! I give and I give, and what happens? I get glared at by people suffering from fake diseases! I mean really who would know that brain fever was a fake disease? Curse you Dostoyevsky! Curse you to heck!' I thought while I continued to stomp down the corridor. I turned down a corner only to be bowled over.

I laid sprawled on the grown my assailant lying on top of me.

"What in the seven stages of hell!" I exclaimed looking at the lug head on top of me.

Turns out it was Viper, and he looked like he had just been mauled by a Claire's store.

"Ace, oh god!" He jumped up and started looking around.

He grabbed me and yanked me into an empty classroom. Once he calmed down I got a good look at him. My first description was pretty accurate; he was covered in what looked like lipstick marks and his clothes were torn to shreds.

He slunk into a chair and tried to catch his breath. Once he was composed he looked up at me, I quirked a brow and gave him a look that clearly said he should explain.

He sighed. "Fan girls everywhere! I'm lucky I got out alive, Ace. I haven't seen such horrors since we witnessed Deuce's Grandpa walking around in Women's clothing!"

I shuddered at the memory.

Now, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with being a transvestite. Hell, I've met some very nice transvestites; however, there are just some people in the world that can't pull off the transvestite look, and he was definitely one of them. Flabby old men, and three inch stilettos just should never mix, ever.

Of course that really is just my opinion. If I remember correctly, there were a few people who did seem interested. Some people have odd tastes. I personally like my men in pants

Any who, Viper and I decided to sit down, and try and work out his current problem.

"Well Viper..." I said "I say we kill 'em all."

I gave my friend a level glance.

He smirked at the idea "That would solve all my problems..."

"Yes, yes it would!" Both of us started to cackle evilly, when we hear a noise.

Remus was standing in the door way looking as if he was about to try and sneak out.

"Ummm..." he started "I can see that I've obviously interrupted , and I'll be leaving now. Mmmkay-thanks-bye"

"Not so fast my big brained friend." Viper said grabbing his shoulder and sitting him down next to us.

"Now that you know our plan, we can't possibly let you leave." I said leaning forward giving Remus my most intimidating of stares.

Remus gulped. "C-come one Ace, Viper I'm sure we could, uh, talk this out. I won't tell anyone or anything..." He trailed off.

"Yes, and what about that charismatic crew you hang about with?" Viper said leaning in as well, effectively trapping him.

"Ummmmm" he stuttered scooting away, hand moving for his wand. Unfortunately for him when Viper was distracting him I managed to grab it without him noticing.

After a few seconds he noticed and started to frantically pat himself down looking for his wand.

"Looking for this?" I said whilst twirling it in my hand. Ah, those days of pick pocketing sure do come in handy!

Before Remus could start sputtering again Viper knocked on the desk with one of those official little hammer thingies. Gavels I think they're called.

(I still don't know where it came from…)

"This meeting has no come to session" he said in a voice dripping with pomp. "Remus my friend, it has come to my attention that you have your eye set on our lovely Deuce. Am I correct?"

Remus sent me a particularly nasty glare.

I cleared my throat and Viper continued.

"We will now begin our plot to umm... "He looked down, and began to dig through some papers on the desk he was sitting at.

"Ah yes! Get you two together."

Remus looked horrified; his mouth started moving like he was a fish gasping for breath. Eventually he regained his bearings and managed to stutter out "As long as it doesn't involve anymore public humiliation ..."

"Oh Remus, Remus, Remus" I said putting my hand on his shoulder.

"Poor, ignorant Remus… Haven't you SEEN Disney movies? You know the Price that always gets the girl?" I asked seriously.

"Umm. Yes..." he said clearly not seeing my point.

"Well. They're ALWAYS wearing tights."

He blanched at the idea shook his head and began to stand up. I quickly stopped him with a look.

"However, we're in a day and age that doesn't appreciate a man wearing a fine set of tights... no what you need to do is become a Byronic Hero! That is the new equivalent to tights!"

He looked startled.

"See you need to become tall, dark and dangerous! That'll get you a woman, and if that doesn't work we'll just spray you with some glitter..." I continued looking smug with my idea.

Viper smirked in response.

Remus still looked shocked then muttered out "I think that might actually work. I refuse to wear glitter though, I want her to like me not assume…

"You're a flaming hunk of man loving meat..." Viper supplied.

"Um, yeah that…." Remus looked at Viper like he was crazy.

"Oh fine." I said dejectedly "Well, I don't think getting her to like is gonna be the problem. I think it's gonna be getting her to see you."

"Putting a neon sign on his shirt would help" Viper suggested only to squeak at the combined stares of Remus and I.

"No, we need something better, something more diabolical." I said whilst stroking my invisible evil villain beard.

"Yes! "Viper cackled evilly joining the fiendish consult.

It was about then that I looked down at my watch.

"Holy flaming babies it's time for lunch!" Viper and I grabbed our bags and high tailed it out of the abandoned room making our way to the great hall, leaving Remus some were in the dust.

He shook his head "Those two never fail to amuse me in a scarring, and all but horrifying way."

With that he walked out of the room trailing the overly enthusiastic pair.

A/N: Okay, Okay admittedly it's been awhile…The only excuse we can offer is it's our senior year, and we're going to Italy… any who to clarify if you didn't catch the Lit. References there are a few from Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, a few from basic lit terms and finally one that is a little more main stream, and that we refuse to clarify (though we're sure you figured it out , and if it offended you pretend you didn't…)Okay so we may or may not update before we leave to Italy. It really just depends on how we feel and if anything springs up… Thanks to all of you amazing people that reviewed it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside!

A/N: Ok, so basically what she said *points to above text* she really did get everything I'm mostly just writing so I can hello and give my own special thanks to all of you who read this random explosion of words we fondly call a fan fic ^-^

P.S. for those of you who are confused yes this story has two authors, and we're both sane...ish


	10. Chapter Ten What in the name

**Edited- 11/12/10**

**Chapter Ten- What in the name of all that is holy just happened…**

It had been one week since Viper and I had set plan Byronic Remus into motion, and I'll be darned it was working. His new fan group almost trumped that of Sirius Black! Not to mention Deuce had been mentioning him a lot.

Speaking of the infamous Mr. Black he had been awful sulky lately; I mean kicked puppy sulky, and I have no idea why. Not to mention it's been bugging me, and I don't know why either. This is a vicious cycle indeed.

Which explains where I find myself now, sitting on the top of the astronomy tower, trying to ignore the loud sighing being emitted by Sirius Black, who had decided to invite himself up here.

"Sirius, if you keep annoying me I will push you off this tower, and tell everyone it was a freak thestral accident."

Sirius merely made another sigh in response.

Finally I had had enough. "WHAT?" I screamed whilst standing up. "What could possibly be bothering you so much that you feel the need to seek out my company?"

"Well," Sirius started looking up into my eyes from his sitting position. "The hair gel that I've been using for the past seven years has gone out of business."

I stared back at him with my mouth slightly open. "So, you've been sulking for the past two weeks over a hair product?"

Sirius stood up "It's not just any hair product!" He said gesturing wildly with his hands. "It was perfect, maximum hold gel, that didn't make your hair crunchy or flaky! It created the perfect tussled look!"

He looked up into the sky with a wide smile on his face, his eyes bright and shining, much like a child looks at a clown being carried up into the atmosphere after someone has attached a large amount of balloons to the back of their pants.

I walked up to Sirius and placed my hands firmly on his chest, looked deep into his eyes, then pushed him right of the edge of the building...

At least that's what I would have liked to do; however, the thought of being brutally murdered by throngs of angry fan girls kept my violent urges at bay.

I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts of murder as Sirius was still gazing into the sky.

"Here I thought it was something serious..." I mumbled, shaking my head at the stupid pun.

Sirius looked at me with his eyes tearing up.

"I meant to say life altering..." He just started back blankly, eyes glistening with unshed tears. I mumbled again and patted him on the back.

Taking this as an invitation, he pulled me to his chest and started sniffling into my neck, whispering soft words of adoration to his lost hair product. I looked into the sky to see if at all possible the clown that was floating to his doom would at all consider taking me with him.

Just then, I heard it, a cry too horrendous to be that of a human. That echoing call will forever haunt my dreams… I looked to the entrance of the astronomy tower in horror only to find what I was dreading, yet expecting.

Now desperately wishing the clown could save me from my fate, I came face to face with a group of ravenous, blood thirsty fan girls all giving me looks that guaranteed my untimely demise.

I shook Sirius who was still whispering into my neck

"Sirius, come on man." I whispered urgently.

"I'm in desperate need of your help." He mumbled incoherently, and lifted his head off my shoulder, looking into the vicious mob he gulped, and looked into my eyes.

"Sirius I need you to do something for me." I stated feigning a calm I most certainly didn't feel while grasping his shoulders.

Before he could finish nodding his head, I had grabbed him and shoved him into the group of his admirers, and made a dash for the door. Hearing Sirius's horrified wails I yelled as I descended the stairs

"For the love of your hair gel, run!"

As I ran down the stairs expertly evading Sirius Fan girls, I felt a little bad for my sulking friend. By the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I looked back up hoping beyond hope that he would be ok. That is until a loud disgruntled voice shouted at me from behind.

"How could you abandon me there with all that lip gloss?"

"Sweet Jesus, Sirius!" I screamed turning around "How the heck did you get down here?"

"That's not important! You left me there to die!"

"Look Sirius, my choice was quite logical. If I had stayed with you, we both would have been killed; however, they would never kill you by yourself. You're too precious to them. Plus, I figured you could use the attention."

Sirius sat down looking disheveled. "No."

He started "All those girls, the only reason they want to date me is so they can get their 15 minutes of fame, which, you know, used to fine with me, but I can't remember all their names! And, well frankly my face can only take so much slapping."

I looked at him a little bewildered "Then why do you date them if it's so obvious they're using you?"

He looked at me a little confused "Well, uh, because that's what I'm supposed to do…" He looked to be thinking about his answer.

"Why not just find a girl you actually like… you're not the only guy with a fan club…"

He looked honestly surprised.

"Well yeah, there's James, but he only has eyes for Lilly, and that one Ravenclaw guy, but only the really nerdy girls who don't think they have a chance with me or James go for him. There's also that Slytherin, but only other Slytherins like him so that's not much of a loss."

"Sirius," I said crouching down in front of him and putting my hands on his shoulders. "I don't want to alarm you, but Remus's fan club has grown to about the size of yours in the past few weeks."

Sirius looked at me for a while waiting for me to say 'just kidding!' but it never came. He tilted his head to the side and scratched behind his ear.

"Remus… as in my Remus… The nerdy guy in our group?"

"Well yeah, I figured that's why you were all mopey."

Sirius looked blank, and then let out a bark of a laugh… "I knew he had it in him!"

It was my turn to look surprised "So you were honestly upset about the hair gel?"

He looked a little uncomfortable "Uh... yeah that's it exactly"

He started to shift uncomfortably

I looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

(I can totally lift my eyebrow all Spock status. Hah I don't need to be a Vulcan to be so extremely awesome, But back to Sirius and his guilty look.)

"Sirius, are you hiding something form me?" I asked inching my way closer to him.

He blushed and mumbled out, what sounded like a No...

"Oh my god, I think I know what's going on here!" I exclaimed looking at him with a look of understanding.

He looked shocked.

"You're Gay, huh?"

He sputtered.

"What?" he yelled regaining the ability to speak.

"It makes perfect sense! You've gone through like 8 billion different girls, but now you've suddenly stopped. You're distancing yourself from all your guy friends, AND! You accessorize like it's nobody's business."

"I'm not Gay!" Sirius shouted

"There's no reason to worry Sirius" I said patting him on his shoulder.

"I'm sure your friends will accept you for who you are, and I can be very discrete." I added with a triumphant smile.

"You?" He said pointing an accusing finger at me "Discrete? By the end of the day the entire school will think I'm gay!"

"You're gay?" Both of us stopped and turned too looked at a second year Hufflepuff who was slowly inching back towards the hall way she came from.

"Wait!" Sirius made a lunge for her, but she was rather small and agile and ran off before Sirius could regain his composure.

"And you thought I'd be the one to let out your secret." I said smiling at him.

He was petrified staring after the little girl, who was no doubtingly spreading his secret throughout the school. He looked pale. I patted his shoulder comfortingly. This seemed to bring him out of his stupor.

"I can't… My life is ruined" he mumbled as he slid to a seating position against the wall he was previously standing by. His head dropped into his hands, I looked at him startled by his reaction.

"So I'm guessing you aren't gay then…"

He just looked at me blankly.

In one of my few moments of actual concern I asked, "So what really has you so upset lately?"

He yet again blushed then looked away from me. When it looked like he was going to say something. Remus rounded the corner looking ecstatic.

He quickly stopped when he saw Sirius and I sitting against the wall. Me looking a little guilty and Sirius looking like his favorite puppy was shot.

"Ummm, Ace is this a bad time?"

I looked up at him and shook my head a smile coloring my lips

"So what may I ask has got you so happy my dear, dear friend?" I asked after Remus sat down next to me and as I flung my arm over his shoulder.

At this Sirius seemed to turn red again and jumped to his feet, stomping off down the corridor.

I looked after him a little shocked.

Remus looked at me with a raised eyebrow and asked "What has his knickers in a twist?"

"I don't know... could be hair gel withdrawals." I said looking after him.

After I find out what's got Remus all excited I'll go hunt him down. Maybe he was really mad at me for the gay thing, but really! I can't be blamed for that! The last time someone looked at me at me like that and started to stutter they told me they were gay. It was an honest mistake!

"Anyways," I said looking back at my friend. "What gotten you so happy? You're brighter than bob barker's teeth."

"She talked to me!" Remus said looking as though he could start singing Italian love arias at any moment.

"Deuce and I are going out to the Hogsmead!"

Remus reached over and gave me a hug I didn't think he was capable of, squeezing out the air from my entire system.

I was able to wheeze out "As happy as I am for you, I won't be able to celebrate if I'm dead."

After a final squeeze he let me go a wolfish grin lighting up his entire face. I quickly refilled my lungs with air.

Pumping my fist in the air I shouted "I'm so happy for you! I told you I would help ya out!"

He smiled and thanked me again before running off to find Viper. I smiled to myself before lugging myself off the floor, hips popping obnoxiously.

"Now to go find the kicked puppy…" I mumbled to myself as I staggered my way down the corridor.

A/N (Alter)- So I have to apologize for how long it took to get this chapter out… We were gone on an Italian adventure, then too lazy to go on! However we do LOVE the feedback. I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I get an e-mail saying someone liked the story. I almost had a heart attack when I found out people were favoriteing it! The sheer joy I have when I get those e-mails is slightly pathetic… Oh well, I'm just glad to see people enjoy our style! I'm sorry if people don't like the fact it is talking so long for them to get together Sirius and Ace that is… I know I personally don't like when they fall head over heels in the first chapter. Can anyone guess what has Sirius so down? If you can I'll be pretty happy. Now here are a couple words from my co-author!

(Ego)- Well, in Grace's defense she did want to go on with the story, but every time she suggested it I would come up with some BS excuse not to, so you can direct all your hatred to me if you'd like ^-^ thanks for the favs and comments! They make me feel loved ^-^


	11. Chapter Eleven If You Must Know

Chapter Eleven- If You Must Know We Were In Hell, Also Called College …

And so my search began!

'Now, which way to go?" I pondered my four choices.

"TO The West!" I struck a heroic pose and was off.

Moments later my woman's intuition was telling me that Sirius was sulking by the great lake, which was, in fact, to the east. I just shrugged my shoulders, about faced, and headed… To the EAST!

I always listened to my woman's intuition! It was a fine tuned machine! It NEVER lied.

… (Ellipses, the passing of time)

So here I am at the lake, and Sirius is nowhere in sight, which is really a shame, because the scenery is truly beautiful here. Sun setting in the distance, reflecting over the lake, the forbidden forest, looking all forbidden behind it.

I let out a small sigh and heaved myself onto my feet.

This may be a beautiful view, but my main reason for getting off my butt was not. I was distraught.

Had my woman's intuition failed me? No, it couldn't have! The only logical explanation was that I had mistaken my hermaphrodite's intuition with my women's intuition. That had to be it!

Now, I don't want to be hating on my hermaphrodite's intuition, it IS right fifty percent of the time, but never all of the time like my womanly one, and therein lies the irony. It is not a hundred percent right all the time, because my womanly, girly-ness, which makes me, sadly, only half hermaphrodite.

I walked back towards the castle lamenting only being half a hermaphrodite.

"I JUST WISH I COULD BELONG!"I shouted to no one in particular.

Head drooping in shame at my lack of Hermaphodite glory, I continued my quest to find Sirius.

Which now that I think about it, made me the more manly of the two of us. Seeing as I am the one rescuing him from his possible hair gel induced angst.

Whilst I was lost in my thoughts of my place as the pant wearing authority in this friendship, I caught site of a black figure looming in the distance. I gasped in shock, running straight towards the furry creature.

The creature stood up and started making a slop trot into the forbidden forest.

"WAIT!" I cried running after it, "Don't leave me my fury friend!"

It slowed down and turned to look at its biggest fan, (a.k.a. me) and that's when I took my chance. I leaped and tackled the, what I had discovered to be a, large black dog, which was great, because I do love dogs.

The large dog struggled, trying to free itself from my iron clad grip, but I would not give up.

"Don't leave me, oh giant god of cuteness!"

I'm not sure why I was so intent upon keeping this strange, possibly flea infested creature with me. Most likely it was because I just wanted someone to listen to all of the confusing thoughts that had been rattling about my head these past days. I could tell Viper or Deuce, or even Remus, but there are some things better left told to something that can't answer. Like a wall, or deaf person, or in this case, a strange dog.

The dog seemed to sense the disturbance in the force, (or my mind) and settled down, letting me continue to hug it. I took this as the dog's green light for me to start talking.

"Oh great and powerful dog of cuteness, whom shall be known as Samuel, I am confused."

The dog let out a little bark like cough when I called it Samuel, but I paid no attention.

"I don't know what to do with Sirius. Either he is a shallow prick, and is depressed about the loss of hair gel, or there's something he isn't telling me."

I sighed a little and leaned my head against the dogs shoulder, and looked at the trees around us.

"I suppose I have a number of questions for you. One being, what's wrong with Sirius? Another being, where is Sirius? But the bigey would have to be, why do I care so much about this?"

The dog seemed to lift its head and look at me curiously.

I shook my head, continuing to gaze into the distance.

"Oh my dear, dear, Samuel, Why must everything be so confusing? All I know is that Sirius might be a jerk, but I really like his ego induced commentary some of the time, for the most part, and I think he is funny, looking..."

I really couldn't resist making that joke. Here the dog seemed to let out a huff.

"But really, I think he is hilarious, some of the time, and Now I'm all concerned about him... It's not like I have known him forever like Viper, so I really have no idea why I give a damn."

With this though I trailed off, hands absent mindedly stroking Samuel.

The dog seemed to preen under my attention. This continued on for a bit.

"Perhaps," I started, now turning my attention to his lord of cuteness, Samuel, and scratching his belly.

"I should give up people and live with you, and we could have great adventures together!"

The great dog had now rolled over thoroughly enjoying his belly scratch.

I smiled. I really loved animals, especially this dog. There was something very calming about it.

"However," I said, ceasing the belly scratch, and looking seriously at Samuel,

"I would probably miss Viper and Deuce... and Sirius... YOU SEE!" I said wildly gesturing with my hands.

"This is my problem."

The dog licked me on my face. I sighed, and smiled at Samuel.

"If only half the guys out there were like you Samuel! Oh wait, I would call them horny perverts if they licked me like that."

I shuddered at the mere idea of a man coming up and licking me on the face. What sort of sick, sick, freak goes around licking a person to show their affection? A pervert that's who!

Samuel wagged his tail, looking at me with a sly smile reflected in his eyes.

I raised an eyebrow at that... He sure is an expressive dog.

I again shrugged, and continued lavishing my attention on my, oh so lovable, companion.

When all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere something wet fell on my head. I gasped looking up in shock.

"I swear to god, if that was a bird that just shat on my head, I will hunt it down, and kill off its whole family, and rejoice while doing it!"

(Needless to say I have a slight problem with birds, and their seemingly endless amount of shit...)

But lucky for me, and the bird population of Hogwarts, it wasn't bird crap, rather, it was just a rain drop.

I smirked, stupid birds, can't even shit properly!

I cackled, and Samuel looked at me funny, before it started to pour buckets upon buckets of water on my head.

"Crap! Why can't it be raining scantily clad men?"

With that shout, I began running for the nearest form of shelter, which happened to be a small cave just south of our present location. Samuel was following right at my heels.

"Again with this magic business disappointing me! It could rain scantily clad men, candy, ANYTHING! But nope, just plain ol' water like the rest of the world!"

I grabbed some wood dried it then lit it with my wand making Samuel and I a wonderfully cozy fire. Never mind that magic assisted me with all of this! It's still disappointing.

I peeled off my very wet, very itchy, school sweater, and took off my soggy shoes and socks, laying them all by a rock to dry them.

It was then that Samuel decided to walk by me and shake his large shaggy coat out.

"You little tard fish! I see what you did there! A walk by, shake and soak!"

Samuel let out a laugh like bark and wagged his tail at me.

"Oh, you must think you're all that and a bucket of cheese, just because your cuteness would make Hitler change his ways! Well, unfortunately for you, I'm worse than Hitler!"

I said while slowly creeping towards the no frightened dog.

"I AM ANGRY SOAKING WET WOMAN!"

I let out a battle cry and chased the dog around, once again tackling it to the ground. I then began scratching the happy dog all over.

"Man now my tank top and Viper's pants are wet. I guess I'll just hang them out to dry." I shook my head at the misfortune.

And just like in all of those cliché romantic comedies, where the women unknowingly strips in front of the sexy male lead, I shed my shirt and pants, and hung them by the fire.

Too bad there was no hidden love interest waiting to swoop me off of my now sockless feet. All I get was a shaggy, but adorable dog.

Don't get me wrong, Samuel is great, but I believe falling in love with him would be delving into something I am just not comfortable with…

It is truly sad that the only form of love I can find is in a shaggy, unkempt dog...

And so I sat sinking into my newly found pit of sorrow and pathetic-ness.

"Perhaps," I thought out loud. "I should become a nun. Not a lame nun! I was thinking more like a crime fighting ninja nun... with laser beams…" I looked into space ponderingly.

"I mean really! What do I have going for me? Here I am, a perfectly normal, teenage girl sitting in my underwear in a cave... next to a dog."

I slouched my shoulders.

"Not that there's anything wrong with you Samuel. I'm sure you would make a very handsome man..."

I looked over at Samuel who was staring intently at me.

"I bet if you were a human you would be a well-built African-American man with a sexy voice who only wore a towel, seducing me with smooth comments like 'Hello Ladies', and 'presidential ab point'"

I smiled at the idea.

"I bet you would even ride a horse backwards!"

Man with magic you think that I would be able to turn Samuel into a human!

That is just another way that magic is not all it's cracked up to be! I mean that one girl kissed a frog, and BAM just like that she has herself a gussied up, tight wearing, hunk of sexiness.

My man doesn't even need tights! All I'm asking for is a man in a towel, with water cascading down his gloriously defined abdominal muscles. Is that really so much to ask for?

With this thought, I put my head in my hands brooding quietly.

"But, there's still hope! Right Samuel? I'm still young! And I have a chance as long as I don't end up like my crazy aunt Butch. She had a bowl full of moth balls in her front room, which she feebly tried to pass for hard candies!"

I looked into the distance remembering the traumatizing event.

"That was the last time I stayed at Aunt Butch's house."

I shook my head at the trauma that no amount of therapy will ever fix, and mumbled incoherently under my breath.

Sirius's POV

After I had stormed away from Ace, I went on a walk around the castle, mumbling to myself about this strange turn of events.

When had the whole world gone to the loons? I mean really, Remus picking up a girl I wanted?

I huffed and made my way down to the lake to brood. I really did not want anyone bothering me right now; my ego had taken a serious beating these last couple of days.

Not to mention the entire school probably thinks I'm gay by now! Really, me gay! Yeah right!

I huffed again and decided I needed to relieve some stress, so I quickly transformed into my animagous form, and began trekking towards the Forbidden Forest. Briefly looking up I saw Ace standing down by the bank, sun reflecting behind her, and I paused.

Looking at her I realized why I was so angry. I was pissed, because I was rejected by the school freak! The beautiful school freak... my thoughts trailed off.

DAMMIT! Bad dog! I cursed at myself.

While I was softly growling at my own susceptibility to this beautiful anomaly, I stood up and started making my way into the Forbidden Forest.

"WAIT, Don't leave me my fury friend!"

I was startled by the shout, and turned to look at who was yelling at me. I didn't realize what was happening until the figure launched itself at me.

I struggled valiantly in its grip, but to no avail.

"Don't leave me oh giant dog of cuteness!"

I was startled by the exclamation, and the person who was clutching me to them. Who was this crazy girl calling cute? I am ferocious, not cute!

Being called cute startled me out of my struggling, and I just let the object of my secret affection hug me. It was kind of nice...

"Oh great and powerful dog of cuteness, whom shall now be known as Samuel, I am confused."

I scoffed in annoyance Samuel, really? What kind of fruity name is Samuel! And she is confused! What the hell! I mean really, she is probably just falling into that pit of insanity she is so precariously perched on!

"I don't know what to do with Sirius. Either he is a shallow prick, and is depressed about the loss of hair gel, or there's something he isn't tell me."

She sighed and leaned against me more.

I have her confused. What is she talking about? And why is she rambling to a dog? I could be anyone for all she knows! And why would she care if I told her something or not, I mean half the time she seems completely unconcerned with reality, and is too busy doing something either dumb, or unbelievably ridiculous... before i could continue m thought she went on.

"I suppose I have a number of questions for you. One being, what's wrong with Sirius? Another being, where is Sirius? But the bigy would have to be, why do I care so much about this?"

Is she concerned about me? I'm surprised she isn't off with her sweet love Remus. She rambled on.

"Oh my dear, dear, Samuel, Why must everything be so confusing? All I know is that Sirius might be a jerk, but I really like his ego induced commentary some of the time, for the most part, and I think he is funny looking..." She thinks I'm funny looking? This night just keeps getting worse.

"but really I think he is hilarious, some of the time, and Now I'm all concerned about him... It's not like I have known him forever like Viper, so I really have no idea why I give a damn..."

I know just how you feel you care for someone, but have no idea why...

Wait, she cares for me? I care for HER! She thinks I'm hilarious? I think she's hilarious! I lost my train of thought as Ace began petting me.

Oh glorious day, where the heaven and angels sing out, and I am pet by a beautiful girl!

Maybe I should tell her how I... oh no, not the stomach! Oh sweet Jesus, and all that is holy! BELLY RUB! I can't resist a belly rub! HOW DID SHE KNOW?

I think she was talking but I really didn't hear most of it. Can you really fault me. I had the girl I was pinning after confessing her undying love for me, whilst scratching my belly.

I tuned back in when I heard my name

"… and Sirius... YOU SEE!" She began gesturing wildly, looking distraught.

"This is my problem." I licked her on the face. The closest I could get to actually kissing her while still a dog. She sighed and smiled at me, making my heart flutter.

(Oh god! I sound like some love sick puppy, what am I twelve? I am Sirius Black for crying out loud! I am the one that makes women's knees quake, and hearts flutter! Not the other way around!)

"If only half the guys out there were like you Samuel! Oh wait; I would call them horny perverts if they licked me like that."

I am Samuel! It's me Sirius! You know the most handsome, dashing, charming, and lovable guy in Hogwarts? I was wagging my tail in excitement, grinning at the fact that I had, yet again, charmed the woman I was after. I wagged my tail harder as she continued to rub those wonderful hands down my back and through my fur. I could now die happy!

My heaven on earth was ruined when Ace jumped to her feet shouting.

"I swear to god, if that was a bird that just shat on my head I will hunt it down, and kill of its whole family, and rejoice while doing it!"

Talk about bipolar, we were just having a heart to heart.

She was professing her feelings for me, and I was rejoicing in my rightful attention, and it was ruined by a bird!

Ace is a little morbid though. Note to self never piss off that woman. She can be truly frightening at times.

I looked at her a little funnily when she started to cackle. I barley suppressed my shudder.

Before I knew it, buckets of rain started to fall and Ace had yelled something about scantily clad men, before sprinting for shelter. I ran after her barley a foot behind her.

We found ourselves holed up in a little cave that was right behind us.

"Again with this magic business disappointing me! It could rain scantily clad men, candy, ANYTHING! But nope, just plain ol' water like the rest of the world."

While Ace was ranting she grabbed some wood and made a fire. Yes, just what we need for a little more cuddling, some romantic lighting and wala! She will fall into my arms before she can think about more bird crap!

Just as I turned around to initiate my ultimate plan of seduction, I noticed Ace peeling off her sweater, and taking off her shoes and socks, and placing them on a rock to dry.

I was panting before I realized she was wearing a semi dry tank top underneath her sweater. Never the one to pass up the opportunity to see a pretty girl scantily clad, I decided to resolve the whole dry tank top issue by shaking myself off right next to her.

"You little tard fish! I see what you did there! A walk by, shake and soak!"

I laughed at Ace's exclamation and wagged my tail, putting on the most innocent puppy dog face I could muster, which was ridiculously easy considering how adorable I am.

(Not that I would admit to being adorable)

Wait, she is supposed to be turning to a puddle of goo! Cooing at me about how cute I am, not advancing on me saying something or another about some muggle lunatic covered in cheese!

"I AM ANGRY SOAKING WET WOMAN!"

She shouted and began chasing after me.

Needless to say I was a little freaked out, because I wasn't sure if she was joking around or not. You never really know with Ace. She again tackled me and started scratching me again.

Oh sweet ambrosia! I could die a happy man!

The scratching stopped. I was immensely disappointed until Ace began taking off her tank top, and pants.

I was speechless. Now I was truly in heaven!

A glorious underwear clad woman was accompanying me in a cave, lit with the perfect mood lighting!

Oh thank all that is holy for granting me such a glorious opportunity!

While I was slowly making my way to the now almost naked Ace, looking for some well-earned attention she began to talk.

"Perhaps, I should become a nun. Not a lame nun! I was thinking more like a crime fighting, ninja nun... with laser beams."

A NUN! I simply won't allow it! There is no way the girl that I am chasing will become a nun, even if it IS a crime fighting, ninja nun!

It's okay if she wants to fight crime while wearing a tight leather outfit, but there will be no way she ever joins some misguided religious cult where there is no contact with males aloud, and the only action they get is to symbolically marry Jesus! No way!

She continued.

"I mean really! What do I have going for me? Here I am, a perfectly normal teenage girl sitting in my underwear in a cave... next to a dog."

She slouched her shoulders, and I slowly continued my journey towards her starring at her intently.

"Not that there's anything wrong with you Samuel. I'm sure you would make a very handsome man..."

Damn straight I am a handsome man!

"I bet if you were a human you would be a well-built African-American man with a sexy voice who only wore a towel."

What in Merlin's name is she raving about? A well-built African American man in a towel? Is that why she won't look at me… Maybe I need to wander around in a towel. While I was contemplating replacing my wardrobes with towels, she continued on her rant.

"… Seducing me with smooth comments like 'Hello Ladies, and 'presidential ab point' I bet you would even ride a horse backwards!"

Okay I can use those lines… and I'm sure I could find a horse somewhere; I'll just have to learn to ride it, and then learn to ride it backwards. It can't be any harder than riding a broom! Again she knocked me out of my scheming with an unexpected exclamation.

"But, there's still hope! Right Samuel? I'm still young! And I have a chance as lng as I don't end up like my crazy aunt Butch. She had a bowl full of moth balls in her front room, which she feebly tried to pass for hard candies!"

She seemed to space out, and I slowly stopped my advance forward.

"That was the last time I stayed at Aunt Butch's house."

She began mumbling incoherently under her breath. I finished my advance forward and laid my head on her thigh. She began stroking my snout. I sighed in contentment. Now only if I could find a way to make it possible to do this while I was a human…

We continued to watch the fire together. Ace lost in her thoughts about her Aunt Butch, and me contemplating how to win this eccentric girl over while I'm not a dog.

A/N- Okay well this chapter was a little more serious, and our sad attempt at romance. I know what you are thinking, and don't start yelling quite yet. We were gone for so long because of college. Yes, me and my ego share a room, but we were really busy last year… We decided to update after a year, because of Spot'sGalFrom1899's review, which sort of reminded us that this was a project we had been ignoring…. So if you are happy we updated, you should probably thank her. Also, in a semi related note, I have been editing the other chapters in this story, because while I was re-reading it I was appalled by all the grammar mistakes. Nothing has really changed plot wise, but it should be a little smoother now, if you would like to look back through it. Well, I hope you drop us a line, as you can see they actually, do get our butt in gear, because I know I have a problem with letting people down… Anyway thanks to everyone who has reviewed, and sorry again for the long absence.


	12. Chapter Twelve A Fu Man Chu

**Chapter Twelve- A Fu Man Chu, Chocolate Chip Cookies, and a Missing Cowboy Hat **

**Disclaimer- Still don't own it.**

After an hour of me silently pondering my time spent with Aunt Butch, and the rest of my childhood in general, the rain had stopped, and my stomach had begun to gurgle violently.

"Shhhh my precious." I cooed while stroking my stomach. "Soon now."

The dog starred at me looking a bit disturbed.

"Well!" I said while stretching and standing up, "looks like it's time to make myself decent."

At this the dog whined,

"Oh don't be such a pervy, McPerv pants."

I walked and pulled on my dry and toasty clothes, "Ahhh, the toasty clothes, is there anything in this world more wonderful? Perhaps, but if any one says anything..."

I shook my fist and let my threat be known to one in particular.

At this the dog scooted away.

"OH! Not you, my dearest Samuel! I would never punch you! Really, and to think you thought I thought about it. There are some things in this world one must never punch. I have an entire list, you see! And dogs are on that list! Lucky for you my friend!"

I laughed and started walking out of the cave.

"Now finally, TO THE WEST!"

Whilst on my journey back to the castle, Samuel faithfully by my side, I was rambling on about nothing in particular.

"And that is why strudel is superior to bisque!"

I made my point by slamming my fist into my other hand, and noticed we were almost to the castle.

I looked down at Samuel. "So my dear friend, would you like to accompany me to diner?"

At this statement Samuel looked a little uncomfortable, and took off running from wince we came.

Needless to say, I was shocked and a little heart broken.

"SAMUEL! Don't leave! It is okay to like bisque! Really, I won't judge you!"

But he was already out of my line of sight before the statement had completely left my mouth.

I looked down, the picture of heartbreak.

"Why must everything I love leave me in the end?"

A crocodile tear cascaded down my face, as I made my way into the great hall, appetite almost completely gone.

Walking into The Great Hall, I saw no one I knew, just a bunch of first and second years, scarfing down obscene amounts of cake and other goodies. Which were most likely denied to them whilst living at home.

After the departure, and betrayal, of my friend Samuel there was only one thing to do.

I casually sauntered over to the Gryfindor table and jumped onto it. I slowly made my way to the little chitlens at the end of the table, much like an elderly sales assistant stalking poor people at Dillard's.

The little ones stopped and sniffed about sensing danger.

(Ah, I remember the days of being so young and in tune with my primitive survival instincts!)

Most of the yougins quickley snapped their heads in my direction looking up at me with wide eyes.

"Why hello my young, and impressionable minds" I said bending down so I was nearly eye level with them.

They started scooting away. "That's the crazy 6th year." Achubby first year whispered to his friend.

I snapped my head about, and grabbed him by the back of his robe.

"CRAZY!" I screamed in his face.

By now I had managed to pull the first year up onto the table by my side.

"Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely,  
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue,  
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted  
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new…1"

I pulled him into a slow two step, and started singing/ screeching into his ear.

By now his little friends had all left him there, alone and at the mercy of the crazy, old spinster 6th year.

(and they say Gryfindor is the most courageous house! Lies and blasphemy!)

One I had finished singing my heart out; I dropped him, and walked back down the table towards the doors of The Great Hall.

Before I got to them though, I turned dramatically, and sweeping a crooked finger across The Great Hall I screamed "I'LL BE BACK."

I cackled manically, before throwing a cupcake at a Ravenclaw, and running away.

"I feel so alive! And yet... so empty..."

At that my stomach growled angrily at my for forgetting it.

"Ah yes, that would explain it."

Once realizing the source of the clenching emptiness I was feeling, and completely ignoring the emotional ache of being abandoned by my one true love, I made my way down to the Kitchens.

On the way there, I was met by my good friend Viper. Who was carrying my dearly beloved Geico.

"ACE!" Viper yelled running towards me with Geico riding comfortably on his shoulder. "BIG NEWS!"

He was still screaming when he made it to me, therefore screaming in my face. His excitement lead me only to assume one thing…

"ALL THE TURKEYS AT THE THANKSGIVING DINNER WILL BE WEARING PARACHUTE PANTS?" I was quick to assume and scream back.

I have never been so excited in my life. Just think about the glory of a turkey wearing parachute pants! It is both delicious, and stylish!

"Ace, they don't celebrate Thanksgiving in England." Viper was quick to dash my dreams, and tare out my soul.

I burst into tears at my ruined dreams, managing to choke out "Then what could you possibly have to tell me?"

At this Viper leaned close to my ear and whispered something that would change my life forever.

"Owls..." he began "they don't poop."

"WHAT!" I exclaimed, shocked and appalled.

"Then what in the name of Fu Man Chu, is all that crap, if it's not crap, coating the floor of the owlery?"

Here Viper looked a little mischievous, and proud of himself. "It's actually segments of letters that have been lost in transit."

I stared at him. Opened my mouth to speak, then stared at him some more.

Breathless I said "That makes so much sense! I feel like I have taken off my rose colored glasses of ignorance, and stepped into the light of enlightenment!"

With the meaning of life now painfully evident to me I picked up my beloved Geico and gave him a kiss on his little Gecko head.

"Now I can sleep soundly at night!" I exclaimed placing Geico on my shoulder, and grabbing Viper by the hand dragging him to the kitchens.

I tickled the pear to gain entrance to the Kitchens, and was shocked to see the Marauders (minus Sirius, who I was unable to find) squabbling over the last piece of chocolate cake.

Seizing the opportunity to drown my sorrow over Samuel, and seeing a way to stop the dispute

(I amaze myself at my selflessness)

I grabbed the cake and quickly began shoving handfuls in to my face.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at me.

By this time I had found a chair, and had started to eat anything I could get my hands on.

(Which was quite a bit seeing as the ever eager to serve house elves kept supplying me with more food.)

"Ms. Ace!" One squeaked. "Welcome! Welcome!"

"Why thanks Kibly," I said. Well, that's what I tried to say, mostly crumbs just fell out of my mouth.

"Is there anything I can get for you and Mr. Viper?"

Viper sat down. "What do you have ma'am?"

(Viper was always very polite to people who gave him food, the clever boy.

"Well! If you want desserts we have, cakes, pastries, and cookies...We also got a new American dessert called a Ho-ho..."

She trailed off unsure if that was the correct name.

I stopped eating letting most of the food in my mouth fall out, and turned to the house elf.

"Ho-hos are delicious!" I whispered, my eyes growing wild with excitement.2

By this time Peter had realized I had stolen the last piece of cake.

"Hey what about our..."

I cut him off by jumping onto his shoulders, and covering his mouth while stroking his head .

"Shhhh young Peter... shhhh, you're pretty when you're quiet."

Viper turned to the house elf "Can you bring us lots of Ho-hos please?"

"Of course sir!" she gave a little curtsey and ran off.

James and Remus turned their attention to Viper.

"So, what are ho-hos?" they asked him.

Now I turned to them, again whispering "HO-HOS are DELICIOUS!"

I jumped off of Peter, and started running around in small circles.

Viper looked unfazed, as if this was a normal occurrence. While James, Peter and Remus looked a little horrified.

Remus scooted next to Viper, and asked him. "What has gotten into Ace? She seems to be a little more off her rocker than usual."

Viper replied. "Something must have disturbed her, emotionally. She normally acts this ridiculous when she is upset, so she doesn't get overly sad."

By this time, I was jumping on the chairs singing 'I will survive.'

Remus looked at me, then back to Viper.

"You know, it's not really healthy to let people block out there emotions like that. I'll go try to see what's wrong."

Remus walked towards me, with Viper trailing after him.

"I wouldn't..." Before Remus could warn Remus to not bother me, he had already drawn my attention.

"Ace!" Remus said, grabbing me by the shoulders and grounding me "Is everything allright? Do you need to talk about something?"

I looked him in the eye and let out a slow, manic laugh.

Patsy Cline's- Crazy

From a MAD TV skit

A/N- So it is a sort of cliff hanger… But two chapters in two days! Pretty awesome, huh? Well anyway, my ego and I have come to a decision. Seeing as there are some people who do not believe that the authors of this fic are in fact two people. We have decided to replace my profile pic, which is my lovely, adorable, and absolutely wonderful Jorgan, with a pic of the two of us. Yes, you finally get to see the master minds behind this bucket of crazy we call a fic. So, yeah. As always, we would greatly appreciate Reviews, seeing as we love to hear from those of you who get a kick out of this. Until next time!


	13. Chapter Thirteen Van Gough aint got

**Chapter Thirteen- Van Gough aint got nothing on us!**

At this point Viper had made himself comfortable in a theater-like chair that appeared out of nowhere. The other three boys were slowly inching away from me, and I was still laughing like a villain who was two steps to close to a gas leak.

Remus, being the gentleman he was, seemed to steel his resolve and inched his way back towards me.

"Ace, um, I'm sure everything is going to be alright. I can try to help you through this. We all can."

With a hesitant smile, and shaking hands he reached forward to give me a hug.

I grabbed both his hands.

"You think you can help me? ME?"I yelled.

"Who's to say you won't just abandon me like very one else! Even that low down filthy mutt!"

I got closer to him so I was practically in his face

"and you know what else?" I whispered.

I jumped back. "I LOST SIRIUS!"

I sat back down. "Everyone is leaving me: Geico, Deuce, Sirius, Samuel..."

I looked back up and Remus.

"In this world, the only people you can trust are your enemies, because you can know, without a doubt, that they will always be trying to steal your socks and eat your left overs!"

I began to cry into my hands.

"Wow, what did I miss?"

There stood Sirius by the door looking more perplexed than a manatee with a pair of gloves.

"YOU CAME BACK!" I rushed over to hug him.

I hugged him like I had never hugged anyone before. To think I thought that he would leave me!

Sirius looked a little shocked, face tinting red, small smile on his face.

Viper started to laugh, Ho-ho crumbs flying out if his mouth. The rest of the marauders looked perplexed and horrified at the same time.

I was still nuzzling into Sirius's chest when Viper's wales of laughter turned into chocking gasps.

Hearing my dear friend on the precipice of death by Ho-ho, I released my hug on Sirius and rushed to Viper's side.

I quickly began to institute the Heimlich.

"There is No way you are going to leave me too!"

I began to yell at Viper, my attempt at saving his life becoming more vigorous.

"You cannot get killed by a Ho-ho you fat ass! What kind of person does that! A huge, whale sized idiot that's who, and you are not whale-sized!"

Finally I freed the lodged Ho-ho from Viper's throat and it went sailing across the room making a satisfying splat against the wall.

Everyone in the room, including the house elves, stopped and stared at the wall.

"You know," I began.

"I would consider that art. We should really get a frame for it."

Viper nodded his head in agreement, shaking off his battle with death like it never happened.

After a few more Ho-hos we all decided that it would be in our best interest to leave, before any other dramatic Ho-ho incidence could occur.

At our departure the house elves promised us that the Ho-ho art would remain on the wall for all to see, which made me rather ecstatic.

(To think a humble food artist such as myself could be immortalized on the walls of Hogwarts! It was a true honor.)

Now Viper and I sat together on a couch in the common room, marveling at our own great artistic abilities while we retold our heart stopping story to Deuce.

"It's... it's as if the inspiration came from God himself" Viper said

"Truly it is," I added

"Viper and I were but happy aids in God's goal to improve and beautify this lovely world we inhabit, but I don't really expect someone like you Deuce, who only lives for herself, to understand."

Viper nodded in agreement then added ,"But you know Ace, not all can be as great as we!"

The little Veins in Deuce's head were growing by a second until finally she had had enough.

"POST-MASTICATED HO-HO IS **NOT** ART YOU IGNORAMUSES!" She screamed.

We looked at her in disbelief.

To think that everyone always called her the cultured one in our group! How could she not see the beauty in our Ho-ho art? Never since that grilled cheese sandwich with the face of Mother Mary on it, has there been art this glorious made by human hands! Sure it came from Viper's mouth, but that really just sets it apart from the rest of the artwork of the present day.

We looked at one another and shook our head in disappointment at our clueless friend.

Sirius's POV

When we had returned to the common room I drug Remus up into our dorm room.

(Peter had been sidetracked by one of the suits of armor. He was always getting left behind, because of his desire to peruse shiny things, and James had spotted Lily heading towards the library and chased after her, like a fat kid after an ice cream man.)

Once safely secured in our room I pointed to a bed and demanded that Remus sit down as I began to pace in front of him.

Sighing in resignation Remus asked "So Sirius is there anything you want to talk about?"

"I-" I wanted to say everything, but I didn't even know what everything was.

"How do I begin?" I looked at Remus for help then kept pacing.

"Just tell me the first thing that comes to mind" he said kindly.

"I SAW HER IN HER UNDERWEAR!"

Remus looked a bit taken back.

"Well, that's not what I meant, well I did, but that's not the problem, in fact it wasn't a problem it was a..." I stopped.

"Remus, what's the opposite of problem?"

"Solution" he said unsure of what was going on.

"EXACTLY! Seeing her in her nickers was the solution!" I glowed for a brief second, then realized with horror I was being a jerk to Ace, my sweet beloved.

"SHIT! That's not what I meant either."

"Sirius, why don't you sit down?" Remus said, patting the spot next to him.

"How could I possibly sit down when there's so much to do? I must buy her flowers, mountains of flowers! And servants to do all her bidding!"

Remus sighed. "Who is she this time Sirius?"

"It's Ace! Who else would it be? Who else is could be amazing enough to deserve all my adoration?"

At this pronouncement Remus's jaw dropped.

"Ace? As is, the girl that hangs out with Viper? The one that verbally assaults paintings? That Ace?"

I simply nodded looking at him like he was thick.

"Of course that Ace, what other Ace is there? There couldn't be another one! There simply couldn't be!" I let out a love sick sigh.

Remus began pinching his arm mumbling something about dreaming. When he realized this wasn't a dream he looked shocked for a few more minutes, than spoke.

"Let me get this straight, you like Ace. You somehow saw her in her knickers, and now you want to win her over as your own."

I nodded my head with a grin on my face. (Mooney really does have a way of clearing things up!)

"Exactly!"

My grin quickly morphed into a look of despair.

"I just have no idea how to win her over! I mean she was talking about becoming a nun! What can I do to prevent that! I don't want her to marry Jesus!" I jumped from my seat and began to pace again.

"I mean really? What does Jesus have that I don't?"

"Sirius, please don't compare yourself with Jesus, you remember what happened last time." Remus sighed, and I ignored him.

"So, how did you end up seeing Ace in her knickers?" he asked

"Excellent question Mooney! I was pouting in my animagus form, and she came to me, and we shared a romantic evening together by a campfire, in a cave!"

"Ah," Remus said holding up a finger to silence me.

"So I take it she has no idea that YOU, Sirius, have seen her half naked and are aware of her most inner and private thoughts."

"Well, no... She called me Samuel... really, what kind of sissy name is that?"

"Sirius, I'm not sure you wooing Ace is a such a good idea..."

I looked shocked and appalled. How could wooing Ace NOT be a good idea? It was the best idea I have had all year, and let me tell you I have many excellent ideas!

"And why not Remus? Do you think I'm not good enough for her? I know you have had your eye on her, but I thought that maybe you would understand! Though I can't blame you for liking her, she is great and all, but I would hope that you would see how serious I am about this! I mean I haven't dated another girl since I realized I liked her, and ..."

My rambling was cut off by Remus.

"You think I like Ace? What in the name of all that is holy gave you that idea?"

"Well you were always hanging around her, and you hugged her this afternoon..."

Remus shook his head.

"So that is why you were throwing a hissy fit? You thought Ace and I were dating? No, I was thanking her for helping me out with Deuce."

I was shocked. Remus was actually able to score Deuce?

"So, you don't love Ace?"

"Nope" Remus said while hiding a smile.

"Brilliant! I'll go confess my love to her now!" I began running towards the door.

"Wait Sirius!" I paused.

"I thought Ace and Viper were dating each other."

"VIPER AND ACE? How can it be?" I yelled.

"Well, think about it Sirius, They're always together. They're very close-"

"Say no more Remus, my heart can take no more." I sunk to my knees, head drooped in despair.

A/N

Dear Loyal Fan Base,

I ego, would like to formally thank you for reading this crap chapter and remind you to please review because it makes me and my co-author feel special. I would also like you to donate money to the "Keep alter and ego alive fund". Currently we are in desperate need of cleaning supplies and cross-bows to slay the evil monster that has been a-brewin inside our mini-fridge for who knows how long. We have been forced to seal of the fridge and have not opened it a long time in fear of our lives. Please, help us

Yours Truly,

Ego

As Ego has said thanks again for reading! We really appreciate it! Now if you review we'll appreciate it more, really we will. Alas, we do in fact need to slay the fridge beast… The thing smells awful! Easily worse than death! So if you do not hear from us for a while inform the government that there is a beast loose looking to rape and pillage the masses. Anyway, hope you have enjoyed thus far, we left on a cliché, but can you really blame us, our brains have been infested by spores!

Hasta,

Alter.


	14. Chapter Fourteen WaitWhat?

**Chapter Fourteen- Wait… What?**

It was a week and a half after we had made our great work of art that I noticed something was definitely wrong with Sirius. I could not put my finger on the exact problem, but it seemed that he was having a definite relapse of his hair gel depression. He had been moping around since we returned from the kitchens on the night Viper and I were touched by god. It seemed like he kept sending me looks of absolute despair, it was a little disconcerting…

In other, more pleasant, news Deuce and Remus were definitely the cutest, most cavity inducing couple I have ever seen. They have been snuggly and cutesy since their spectacular date at Hogsmeade. The date went absolutely smashing, and they had been holding hands, and whispering sweet nothings to each other ever since. Needless to say it was mission accomplished!

Back to the not so sugary note, the whole Sirius topic was still gnawing on my nerves, so I decided that it was time I consulted an expert, the one person who I knew was always watching, and always observant. The man I could count on to always be hyper vigilant.

"Hey Viper have you noticed anything wrong with Sirius lately?"

He stopped looking lovingly at the book mark he was holding and looked at me blinkingly.

"What did you say?"

I sighed, so much for hyper vigilance. "Have you noticed anything off with Sirius recently?"

He tapped the book mark to his chin thoughtfully. "If by off you mean he has been glaring at me hatefully for more than a week, yes something has been off with him."

"Huh, we were getting on so well too. It sort of bothers me that he has been avoiding me…" I sighed mournfully.

Viper looked at me a small smile on his face "Why does it bother you?"

I just looked at him for a while "I dunno I guess I miss hanging out is all… You are always off with so and so and Deuce and Remus now have each other. I just liked having someone to talk to is all…"

Viper looked thoughtful for a moment "Then why not go talk to him?"

I stared at him, then ginned "Excellent idea my amazing friend! We should go look for Sirius!"

I jumped out of my seat, grabbed Viper's arm and yet again set out on a search for Sirius

"Why do I have to come?" Viper inquired as I drug him from the Commons Room.

"Well, you said Sirius has been glaring at you ever since he has been ignoring me, obviously the same thing is making him act weird around both of us, and so we shall investigate this puzzling mystery together!" I stated as I continued to drag Viper down the hallway.

"But I was busy!" Viper continued to whine.

"Viper, you were staring at a bookmark, hardly anything life changing." I quipped.

"Don't you ever insult this book mark! It is the most amazing book mark ever made! The likes of this bookmark have never been seen before, and shall never be seen again!" Viper stated passionately, waving his bookmark around triumphantly, casting it loving, almost worshipful glances.

I sighed "You are only so infatuated with that bookmark because…" I was cut off midsentence when I ran into a solid body, forcing me to fall back into Viper.

We fell, and landed in an undignified heap.

I heard a snarl from the person we ran into. I looked up and straight into the eyes of the Devil.

"What the fucking hell was that you bitch!" This is what I interpreted the sounds that issued from the beasts mouth to mean. It was hard to decipher the meaning from the horrendous noises, but I think I managed fine.

Looking up at the figure, I shuddered in revulsion. Of all the people in this castle we had to run into Agnes Pustule.

Agnes was a lovely girl hailing from the house of Slytherin, with the torso of a manatee, the legs of a chicken, and the personality of a dementor after a drunken troll has tried to take advantage of it.

"Agnes!" I cried jumping up.

"You found us! Okay, now it's your turn, you go hide and we'll look for you!"

Now, poor Agnes wasn't the sharpest glue stick in the box so it took her a few seconds longer than most to realize I had just offended her.

"You little bitch! You think you're so smart, well you're not! You're even wearing pants!" She said with a sneer.

"Yes Agnes, yes I am, because pants inhibit brain function." I sighed.

I could think of better insults than wearing pants, but seeing as her mental state was far below average at least she had made some sort of effort.

"…Any way, this has been fun, but I am currently in the middle of a quest and I'm not supposed to slay the dragon until I at least catch sight of the princess, so, go find Sirius and stand next to him, and when I find you we can chat again."

This little rant seemed to be too much for the poor girl to understand, so instead of leaving she did what most people do in this school and whipped out her wand in order to cast a curse at me.

"Viper," I asked my friend who had been standing next to me cleaning his nails "she's taking out her wand, why do people at this school always do that?"

"I have no clue darling, must be a British thing."

Agnes, who seemed to grow weary of me and Viper's comments, fired her first curse, missing both of us even though neither of us had moved.

The curse instead continued on its course until it collided with a suit of armor and came flying back, only to hit it's caster square in the face. Our dear Agnes was thrown backwards and onto the ground. Her face was soon covered in large purple pustules which starting oozing something rather unpleasant.

"Do you think she meant to do that?" Viper asked while leaning over her to get a better look at her face.

"I believe so, sir. I think it's a basic intimidation tactic, you show your victim what will happen to them, without actually doing it to them. You do this to scare them into doing what you want; however, because we were the only ones here she skillfully bounced her spell off that suit of armor. So you see Viper," I said while pointing at Agnes. "THAT is what will happen if we run afoul of the beast again."

"Ahhh" Viper said with a nod. "very skilled indeed. Well I've learned my lesson."

With that we both continued on our quest leaving the moaning and oozing Agnes in the hall.

… (A few moments later)

"And that is how Viper and I conquered the most feared beast of Hogwarts!" I said triumphantly.

"Okay, first off Ace, you can't just give a story ending line like that when you haven't even told a story. Secondly, even if you had told the story why would you tell it to me, a character of the story?" Viper said, chiding me.

"I thought what we did was very heroic and in need of narration, that's all." I replied, defending my earlier, well thought out, and meaningful comment.

Viper sighed "Well, now let's go find your princess."

A couple halls later I realized Sirius was most likely in the Astronomy tower. This revelation made itself known to me after it dawned on me that every other time, save one, that I was looking for my princess he was locked away in his tower.

Grabbing Viper's wrist I proceeded to drag him in the direction of the Astronomy tower. I smiled as we made it to the stair case, and heard deep and sorrowful sighing coming from the top of the stairs.

"We have found the Holy Grail! Our quest is complete!"

With a triumphant whoop I proceeded to run up the stairs, Viper following at a sedate pace behind me.

It turns out I was in fact correct in my assumptions. Sirius was sitting on the floor of the Astronomy tower, looking as though he would never be happy again. It was a little disconcerting to see the almost sickeningly joyful marauder so distraught.

I stopped in my tracks and just stared at him. I was surprised he hadn't heard my thundering foot falls as I ascended the stairs.

Deciding this pitty-athon was coming to an end today I marched up to Sirius crouched down in front of him and proceeded to make him smile with my hands.

"Why so down?" I asked looking at him unflinchingly despite how utterly ridiculous he looked being forced to smile.

Sirius just looked into my eyes and I couldn't help but be surprised by what I found there. They reflected a mixture of longing and betrayal that even made my smile disappear.

"Sirius," I said now rather concerned. I had a feeling this was no longer about hair products.

"What's wrong?"

I had of course removed my fingers from Sirius's face and was now crouching before him looking at his face. Perhaps the reason for his troubles would be written somewhere there.

Sirius managed to muster a weak smile and said "It's nothing, don't worry."

It was then that Viper, who had been leaning casually against the door frame watching the scene play out, spoke up. "You know Sirius, if you don't tell her she'll just keep worrying."

When Sirius heard Viper's voice his face changed almost immediately to one of extreme rage. The change was so dramatic that I lost my balance a fell backwards. Sirius turned slowly towards Viper.

"Oh, I'm sure!" he spat.

"Why don't just take get out of here, and you two can have another great adventure!"

Viper arched his eyebrow, and stood up reaching his full height.

"Excuse me?" He said folding his arms "I don't believe I've done anything to deserve such hostility."

"Yes, you're just so innocent; you come around flaunting your relationship in my face you piece of shit!" Sirius, who was facing away from me jabbed an accusing finger my way.

If I wasn't confused before, I was now. What the hell was he talking about? Right before I was about to ask though Viper jumped in.

"FLAUNTING!" He screamed, now turning a not-so-flattering shade of red.

"YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME! YOU GET ALL DISGUSTED WHEN WE HOLD HANDS! OR GIVE A LITTLE KISS! MEANWHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING FUCKING SEX WHERE EVER THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE!" He yelled while walking towards Sirius.

"DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T DO IT TOO!" Sirius matched Viper's volume, and also took a step forward so they were now about an inch apart.

"YOU TWO ARE ALWAYS TOGETHER! YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS EVERYONE ELSE!"

They both seemed to be very passionate about this argument, but I couldn't help but feel like something was off, must be that woman's intuition thing again.

Now Viper got very quiet "Do you know how much we have to hide, because of people like you? Who are so hateful and afraid of things they can't understand?"

Viper was staring Sirius down, and had a nasty sneer on his face.

"Why don't you two just go back to where you came from?" Sirius retorted, glaring back.

"OH! WHERE WE CAME FROM? OF COURSE, BECAUSE WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE HUMAN! US GAYS!" Viper pushed Sirius backwards and he fell to the floor.

Sirius looked up at Viper, now confused. "Wait... what?"

Viper was now walking towards Sirius "That's right!" he said triumphantly

"Gay people are human too! I now this must come as a big shock to you!"

Sirius just looked up at Viper, still confused. "What?"

He then looked back at me "Ace," he asked looking frightened "are you a man?"

I looked back at him, a little taken aback "Not that I'm aware of" I replied, yes I thought, something was definitely very odd about this argument.

Viper paced back the other way "GAH!" He yelled while throwing his arms up towards the heavens.

Sirius then looked at Viper "…and, I've seen you without a shirt on..." he said looking more and more confused

"Yes! That's right Sirius; you've been sleeping in the same room as a gay man. For all you know I've been raping you in your sleep!" Viper said condescendingly; however, Sirius didn't seem to hear this. Instead he was starring off into space.

"But, if you're a man, and Ace is a girl, then how can you be gay?" he said while looking up at Viper.

"Wait... what?" Viper said, stopping his angry pacing. "What are you talking about?" he asked Sirius

"What are YOU talking about" Sirius returned.

"Wait... WHAT?" I said, standing up "What ARE you guys talking about?"

Viper turned from a gaping Sirius to look in my direction. "I am talking about bigoted, short sighted, unethical, homophobic fools, who can't stand the fact that two men can love each other just as much, if not more, than a man and a woman! I don't know why he is so confused! He's probably just upset that someone has finally called him on his inability to accept that which is different than him!"

Viper was fuming by the end of his speech, gesturing crudely in Sirius's direction.

I looked at Sirius who was still gaping at Viper.

"Sirius, do you have a problem with Viper being gay? Of all the people here I thought that you would be able to understand..." My eyes took on a sorrowful expression.

I had really thought better of Sirius. By this time Sirius had stopped gaping, and was looking at me panicked.

"Wait, Ace, I...Viper is gay?" He still looked shaken.

"Yes, Viper is gay... I thought that is what you were upset about... especially after everything you said..."

Sirius's shock turned to relief.

"Oh thank MERLIN he is gay! This is WONDERFUL!" It was my turn to look shocked.

I looked at Viper, who was also sporting a look of confusion.

"You're happy Viper is gay? But what were you ranting about earlier?"

Sirius's grin grew "I don't give a flying rat's ass about who Viper loves! He could be in love with the Giant Squid for all I care, as long as he wasn't in love with you! Oh man this is the best day ever!"

Viper and I looked, if possible, even more shocked.

Sirius then began to laugh. Well, I'm not sure if 'laugh' is the correct word. It was a hysterical laugh I suppose, both his hands were drawn into tight fist and his mouth was pulled back into the biggest smile I had ever seen, one of his eyes was slightly bulging out of its socket, and his head was moving back and forth wildly between me and Viper.

He then ran up and hugged me while laughing in my ear, then released me and ran and gave Viper an equally crazy hug.

After he let go of Viper he still continued to laugh, which had actually turned into more of a gurgling sound than laughter.

"Uh... Sirius" I said quietly, slowly moving towards him.

Viper on, the other hand was backing away from Sirius, who was now crumpled on the floor.

Viper by this time was looking both frightened and disgusted.

"I have never seen anyone take a coming out this poorly, not even my parents." Viper said still backing away.

"Sirius, you need to calm down." I said soothingly while rubbing his back.

His convulsions slowly started dying down. Finally they had stopped all together and Sirius was very still... a little too still.

"Sirius?" I said while leaning over his huddled form so I could see his face.

He was smiling, not the crazy smile from before, but a truly happy smile; there were tears streaming down his face from laughing so hard and his face was flushed.

He turned his head so he was facing me, with that same euphoric smile.

"He's gay Ace!" He said quietly, all the while looking straight into my eyes. Then, something very strange happened.

Now, before I say this, know that today had not been an entirely normal day. During breakfast I found a toad in my cereal, which was lovingly claimed by a blithering first year. I saw my Herbology professor eating a salad with an insanely gleeful look on her face. I ran into a chicken manatee. Sirius and Viper got into a gay who knows what fight, and now this.

Sirius twisted around so he was lying on his back while simultaneously grabbing my shoulders and pulling me towards him for, what would be my first kiss.

And a kiss it was, but it was not really what I had expected, or wanted my first kiss to be like.

I may be a smart ass, but I am a hopeless romantic. I had, since I was very young, hoped for a dashing handsome man to come sweep me off my feet. Our first kiss would be gentle, yet full of an untold passion, maybe even in the rain.

This kiss was neither passionate, nor gentle. I was crouching for one so I was a little unbalanced to begin with, and because of the force Sirius used to pull me towards him our lips, along with the rest of our faces, collided with each other as I came crashing down on top of him.

So here I was, in the astronomy tower, lying on top of a boy who had just minutes ago suffered from a conniption, and whose face was streaked with tears, and now due to the impact, suffering from at least two chipped teeth. In addition to Sirius's injuries I think I might have suffered from a broken nose.

"owww" I moaned rolling of off Sirius while holding my face.

"I think I've broken my face" Sirius said next to me.

All that could be heard over our moans of pain was the semi hysterical laughter stemming from Viper forgotten in the back of the room. Needless to say, today has been a strange day. One I am sure I will never forget, much less ever live down.

A/N: So, we know it has been awhile, but look kissing! People like us, those obsessed with fanfiction, love kissing! Not to mention we have found out that Viper is gay! Le gasp! I know, I know, some of you were probably hoping for a tangled triangle of love and angst, but seriously neither one of us go for love triangles! Next time you will be able to meet Viper's mysterious boyfriend, and more relationship-y stuff with Sirius and Ace! We really appreciate reviews, even threating ones. They really light a flame under our ass, so the more you review, the more spammed my e-mail becomes, and the more likely it is that we will get a chapter out to you! So review. Lovely readers, review! Until next time…

~Alter

Author's note 2.0 My dearest readers, in regards to my colleague's comment about the 'flame under the ass' it is true, it does inspire her to write, for truly she is more lazy and less inspired than I. This author's note is what I hope will be an aid to you, our dear fans who are sending threatening emails. To make your frightening messages more effective please know that my friend hates pigs, leeches, milk and has a fear of things eating tongues, so if you were to threaten an army of tongue eating leeches to befall her on her innocent walk to class surely a chapter would be written the next day. I hope you find this helpful.

Yours Faithfully,

Ego

My gloriously misguided co-author is the one who is too busy watching One Piece to help me complete a chapter. So if you must threaten someone it would be best directed towards her. Her fears include hair plugs and chimpanzees. So, to really pick up the pace of updates threaten her with rug sporting chimps watching her while she sleeps, and hiding in the case of her dear cello. Also just a side note, Agnes is based on the true life monstrosity known as our suite mate. I know, dear readers, how can such a horror exist in real life? My money is on atomic radiation, combined with a few different, but no less frightening birth defects, and possible head dropping as a baby. Again, thank you for your time.

~Alter


	15. Chapter Fifteen Of Anatomy and Potted

Chapter Fifteen: Of Anatomy and Potted Plants

"You can stop laughing now" I said while I began to rise to my feet.

Sirius was still on the ground clutching his nose, and Viper was still bent at the waist laughing. I sighed in agitation.

It figures that my first kiss would result in serious injury to both me and the other participant. I remember one of my tutors, long ago, warning me that I would bring death to whomever had the misfortune of falling in love with me, but she was just a cranky old spinster, so bitter from her own lack of love that she had to take out her frustrations on me. I mean really! Who goes around telling a seven year old they are doomed for loneliness and despair?

"Oh god, you just made my life! I can't wait to tell Robby! He is going to get such a kick out of this!" Viper said whipping the tears from his eyes, a huge grin spreading across his face.

"Oh don't act so perfect!" I replied haughtily, "I've seen you two kiss, it looks like two anteaters fighting over a bug! Drool EVERYWHERE!"

Viper gave a little hmph "Ours is a love that knows no bounds!" he declared.

"Yes, or propriety..." I mumbled under my breath.

Viper shot me a dirty look

"Did you say your boyfriends name was 'Robby'?" Sirius asked, recovering from the earlier trauma.

"Yes." Viper said, clearly still peeved about my comment "His name is Robert McCrossin."

"THAT ROBERT!" Sirius cried. "As in Robert McCrossin, captain of the Hufflepuff team?" Sirius looked dazed.

"Oh yeah, I remember him mentioning something like that." Viper said waving his hand dismissively.

I looked around the astronomy tower while Sirius stood gaping at Viper, and Viper was picking at his nails.

Sirius finally was able to pull himself together enough to compose another sentence. "So you're telling me that the star of Hufflepuff's quidditch team is gay. One of the most intimidating, monumental, beaters ever to grace the halls of Hogwarts is dating you?" Sirius was gapping like a fish swinging his arms around.

Viper looked up from picking his nails and threw Sirius a look of amusement mixed with exasperation. "Yes, Robert is my boyfriend, but now that you mention it, him being a beater would explain why he has those delicious abs..." With this statement Viper got a faraway look on his face.

Sirius looked a little awkward, and to escape the now blissful Viper, seemed to remember that I existed and headed in my direction. "So Ace..." He started looking more awkward by the minute.

"Uh, um, heh" He managed to stammer looking down at his feet, face turning bright red.

"Yes Sirius?"

He again looked at me through his bangs, still shifting from one foot to the other. He mumbled something I couldn't decipher, and continued to shift.

"Come on Sirius, you got this! Just use your words"

"GRASS!" Sirius shouted after my encouragement, but then looked accusingly at his mouth as if it had done something without his permission.

"Grass?" I asked arching an eyebrow.

"Er... yes... grass." Sirius continued trying to figure out why he had said grass, and work it into the conversation. "It's nice," he continued. "and we should have a picnic." he finally finished looking relieved, and pleased that he had been able to think of something so quickly

"Oh." I felt sick, something was very wrong, why did Sirius awkwardly inviting me to picnic make me want to vomit? Yet, it wasn't a bad vomit, it was nausea in its best form I suppose, and still it made me want to run away. So I did.

I ran very fast, and very far away from the astronomy tower, I ran to the one place I knew Sirius would never find me, the library.

Sirius POV

I watched as Ace retreated from the room, shocked and a little hurt. What did running away mean? I thought things were going so well! Yeah, I guess I would have liked our first kiss to be a bit different, I never pictured such a moment including such severe pain, but we did kiss, and it was glorious, no matter how painful.

She probably ran away because I was so awkward! Grass, I mean really! Why was that the first thing out of my mouth? Why do I have such a hard time talking to her? I use to never have this problem with other girls! I could lay on the charm, and have them be the ones stuttering and blubbering like fools. Now I am the only fool here, and I don't know how to fix it!

If only there was someone I could ask about her, that knew her better than anyone else, that could give me advice on how to woo her. I let out a pitiful sigh. Right, like someone like that would just be conveniently located somewhere near here.

Just as I finished the though Viper walked up and put his hand on my shoulder. "I am really surprised she didn't do that sooner." He looked at the doorway a small smile tugging at his lips.

Wait, Viper and Ace are like the same person! Sort of, but Viper is a boy and not as attractive as Ace seeing as he is not a girl... Anyway, he would be the perfect person to tell me why she ran away, and how to woo her!

I did the first thing I could think of, I latched onto Viper like a baby koala latches onto its mother.

"Hey now," Viper said lightly pushing at me. "I know that was a heavy blow to the ego, but that doesn't mean you gotta' switch sides."

"Help me." I pleaded, ignoring his comment. "You know Ace better than anyone, how can I get her to go on a date with me?" I squeezed Viper tighter as if that would somehow force an answer out him.

"Well," Viper said, while nonchalantly prying me off of him. "If you want her, the first thing you'll have to do is find her."

Viper stroked his imaginary beard. "Since she's avoiding us, I would suggest looking in the library." He said confidently.

"The library?" I asked, I didn't go there that much, and I knew Ace was the same. She had stopped going there after she was pelted by floating books. She ranted for weeks about the British being a lazy people that couldn't even be bothered to put away their own books.

"Why would she be there?" I asked.

"Because she thinks we won't look there." He said already walking out the door and down the stairs.

I looked at his retreating back for a while then dashed my way down the stairs and to the Library.

I reached it in record time. Panting for breath, I threw the door dramatically open and stepped inside the Library. Ignoring the murderous glance of the crotchety old Librarian I set off on my search. In my endeavor, I happened on my dear friend Remus and his lovely lady friend Jessica.

I shuddered slightly, just watching them made my chest twinge in pain, and my teeth ache from the overwhelming sweetness. Deciding that I did not want to interrupt the overly cute couple I dodged around a book case and stated my trek through the library, keeping my eyes peeled for my own lady love.

While on my journey I couldn't help but notice that a majority of people did not come to the library to study in the traditional sense. A good number used the packed shelves of the library as cover for more explicit, hands on studying of the human anatomy, which may I remind you is not a class offered here at Hogwarts.

Even though I was scarred for life, I was able to spy my elusive love hiding in one of the vacant corners of the library face covered by a book about some obscure topic. She seemed to actually be reading the thing, which was surprising to say the least. Ace never reads. Not to say she's dumb. I just have never seen her study. Anyway, back on topic. How am I supposed to approach her? I can't just walk up to her, but I can't stay hiding behind this potted plant forever.

I know I was surprised to find a potted plant in Hogwarts too. I always thought fake plants were a Muggle thing, apparently I was wrong. I just got off topic again. How do I go about approaching her? It has to be smooth, suave, and genteel, say something truly awe inspiring. I can't just walk up and say

"Hey Ace. I was, uh, wondering why you ran away."

Apparently my body and brain are in a disconnect because I just walked up to Ace and said, what I was planning not to say. Damn, so much for suave and genteel.

Ace's POV

My head snapped up when I heard Sirius's stuttering question. He was looking at me like a kicked puppy, and I felt my heart clench. Why did I run away, and how in God's name did he find me? I had the perfect hiding place. I expect Viper had something to do with this. Oh I was going to have my revenge, mark my words!

Why must I always get off topic? Why can't I just stay focused? I bet no one else has this sort of problem.

"Ace?" Sirius asked again. My God it looks like he is going to cry, and instead of being disgusted and ready to mock, I felt my heart grow four sizes.

"Don't cry Sirius!" I shouted as I lunged towards him. Tackling him in a hug so vicious it was almost painful. Why must everything sweet between us hurt so much? I really hope it changes if this continues. I don't think my body could take it otherwise.

Sirius looked up at me shocked.

"So does this mean you don't hate me?"

A/N: I said this weekend and walah! Despite the negative temperatures, our computers being frozen and having to revert back to ancient methods of communication, like carving messages into rocks and throwing them and hoping they reach their intended recipient we brought you a chapter. REJOICE OF PLEBIANS! But really thanks for all the reviews. We have hours of endless fun reading them and preening under the attention. Please continue, you know, catering to our vanity. It means a lot to us!

~Alter

Author's note 2.0: To the reviewer that threatened us with a pickle. Well done. Readers take note, this is the type of comment we like to read. Keep your reviews this amazing, and entertaining and we will be amused enough to post quicker.

~Ego


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